Sentiments.

[Written last night.]

I’m sitting here in my living room in Mission Hills reflecting over the past year. So much has come and gone, expanded and developed, flourished and deteriorated—but through it all I’m still here. Still sitting here. Stilling breathing. And grateful for another day. A lot has been happening in my world recently. Some, I’ll go into detail about, whereas others just briefly mention. First, a quick update. I got laid off from my job 3 weeks ago (and have been career hunting like crazy); I turned in my master’s thesis today and my new roommate moves in tomorrow.

So it’s official. I have completed all requirements for a Master of Arts degree in Experimental Psychology at California State University San Marcos. I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that quite describes the feelings I have.

Part of me feels accomplished. The beast that I couldn’t imagine ever finishing is done. The project I cried about, toiled over, laughed with, screamed at and delighted over is complete. The program—that encompassed thousands of journal articles, papers, lit reviews, presentations, stats, teaching, breakdowns, laughter and some of the best friendships I’ve been blessed to have—is culminated.

Another part of me feels wowed. Wowed that I—the girl who wasn’t supposed to make it, who wasn’t going to amount to anything, who was hopeless, useless and would fail—was able to complete such a task as graduate school. I did it. I’m the first in my entire family to obtain a college education—not to mention, an advanced degree. The girl who dared to make something of herself, swearing she wouldn’t be stuck in Modesto, limited and stunted in her growth. The girl who aimed high—for a better life. The girl who desires desperately to stay humble—who won’t forget her way home and where she came from… is me. I’m Sarah Michele Holmes. That’s me. Everything is still very surreal.

I have to admit that another part of me is apprehensive and anxious. Anxious about what this degree will do for me presently, career wise. I sometimes question the doors the M.A. will open for me. BUT I continue to place my hope, trust and faith in the Lord. Standing on His truth and promises keep me strong and able to move ahead as the world crumbles in the midst. I know the Lord has a specific opportunity where He will use me in mighty ways to reveal His glory and show His love… and His timing is perfect so I’m praying His guidance, purpose and peace rest upon me during this uncertain time of my life.

The last sentiment I’ll share is the feeling of utter gratitude for every single person who has been there for me along the way. For those who supported, encouraged and fought me to keep at it when I desperately wanted to quit. Those who listened to my grumbles, fears, hopes and ambitions; those who laughed and cried with me; those who held my hand, picked me up and said, yes, Sarah, you can do it. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to say I’ve completed a master’s degree because I wouldn’t even be here. I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for every hug, every high five, every uplifting word and for the incredible love of those who dared to believe in me. It means the world to me. YOU mean the world to me. I’m beginning to weep as I reflect on all the people who made this dream happen. My parents, Nick and Scott—my dear friends. You are my inspiration. I love you more than words can possibly begin to articulate.

I’m 27 in two days. 48 hours to be exact… at 11:07PM, December 6, 1981, I was brought out of my mother’s womb. Funny that as I wrote that last sentence I watched the clock turn from 11:06 to 11:07 PM. Hmmm. For some reason, 27 sounds significantly older than 26. Maybe because 27 is officially late twenties and 30 is just around the bend. Then I slightly delve into freak out mode because I’m not to the place I thought I’d be at 27. Growing up, I imagined being in a solid career, married with a child (or the notion of adopting one) at 27; yet here I am. Jobless. Single. And no one’s calling me mommy (thank GOD). So not exactly the plans I’d envisioned when I was a kid but does anything really work out the way we presume?? Not exactly. I do; however, serve an awesome God, have an amazingly wonderful, loving group of friends, family and church family; have health and a sound mind; an education; an apartment within my favorite city in a neighborhood I adore; and modern dance! Not too shabby. A fabulous career and lasting marriage relationship are in the works. For now I’m working at being content and filled by God’s spirit alone and being the best friend, sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter and ministry leader I can be. FYI: remind me to re-read this when I’m feeling discouraged in the realm of relationships. Lord knows I'll need to!

My Bad.

So I haven't gotten around to physically posting the blog detailing what I've learned as of late... but I've sure written A LOT! I have to compile the verbage into something comprehensible. You would probably hate me if you read it as is... cause it really is all over the place. But hey, that's a good sign because I've discovered valuable insight in several spheres of my life... not just the parts I thought needed clarification :) I'm learning more and more about myself, about God and who He is and about my purpose in general. It's been an amazing journey these past 40+ days.

Just as a completely unrelated side note: I freaking LOVE the Mikey Show on 105.3. Does anyone reading listen to him in the AM? I tune in on my way to work sometimes and crack up. I especially like the show--not only because it's hilarious but because he's real (so are the other's on the show) and Mikey's not afraid to share his bibical beliefs in a secular, radio atmosphere. Yet, he still listens to others points of view and never shuns anyone. The radio personalities on the show sometimes don't agree on certain topics--but they don't fight! Sometimes it's nice to have a ginuine, good-intentions debate--if that makes ANY sense. He might make fun of some people, sure. One of my favorites was this girl calling in about not wanting to get married because she wasn't ready to become co-dependent. YIKES! Good luck with that one, girl. How does co-dependency and marriage go hand in hand?! Do we suddenly lose our sense of self when we marry? That's a wharped view of marriage, I'll say!

Ok, ok. I gotta pack up and get gone! TGIF! BTW: stay tuned for the blog I've been talking about... it is coming--really, I swear!

Remnant.

Throughout the past month, and expecially the last three weeks or so, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the Lord reflecting on my life and what's really important. Friends, I can't even begin to explain to you how much He's shown me about myself, about Him and His amazingly, boundless love and about life in general. He's shown me my heart... including the aspects of it I tried to keep hidden and buried under the false premise of "having it all figured out"... it's been humbling to say the least. I've realized, again, that it's not all about ME! He's also covered me with peace that is so beyond my own comprehension. I promise, next week, to write a blog detailing what I've learned.

Just to give a snipet of good news, last night @ Remnant (a part of the young adult ministry @ the Rock church, that I have the privledge and honor to serve on the leadership team with) I was talking to Bobby, our pastor and he told he he'd like to put me as the "go-to" leader for all the new females joining the Remnant leadership team. I would basically contact them and tell them all about the ministry, explain how it works, go over our policies for Rock leadership and just overall love on them and find out where they are spiritually, pray for them and discuss their spiritual gifts in order to get them plugged into the appropriate team for Remnant. How AMAZING is that?! I think of this as another opportunity to step it up and be closer to where God wants me to be. This is a promotion in God's kingdom. Being part of the Remnant leadership has been such a blessing and I get teary eyed just thinking of how far it's come, how much it's growing and how much it's making an impact on the young, hurting, broken people who come... and building all of us up to the people God has called us to be. Anyway, Bobby and I are supposed to meet next week sometime so he can give me the run down on my new responsibilities. God truly, truly uses us in our weakness... the blog is coming where I put all the pieces together. I can now see how the things I'm learning (about being real with where I'm @, lifting people up, being humble, etc) relate to the plans God has for me... because He was preparing me for this leadership role that He knew was just around the bend... so others could see His love through my imperfections. Praise God!

Autumn.

It definitely has to be my favorite season. Don't get me wrong, I do LOVE summer and sunshine, but there is something refreshing about fall. It takes me back to when I was a kid and my dad used to make fires in our fireplace and my brother and I would sit in the living room watching Unsolved Mysteries with pillows to cover our eyes when it got too scary. This time of year reminds me of Modesto when all the leaves on the tress change to bold reds, oranges, greens and yellows. It's beautiful there in autumn. Side note: have I mentioned that Modesto's nickname is "the city of trees"? Ah yes. There are more trees in the city than people and the population is well over 200,000 now. And when there are that many trees... guess how many leaves are on the ground?! Tons! My parents driveway literally gets covered by a foot and half of leaves -- easy! Then these ginormous mounds of leaves are everywhere after people rake and my dad used to drive ol' brown (his dark brown, longbed chevy truck) through them and we would think it was the coolest thing ever. I'd walk in zig zags during autumn stepping on all the dried leaves just to feel them crunch under my feet. Ha... I actually caught myself doing that today as I took the mail up the street for work. Here I am, 26 years old, in my dress and high heels jumping on the dried leaves. I love it. Life can't be so serious all the time, right? I can't help but recall the days where stepping on leaves, running thru puddles and making homemade chocolate chip cookies was "enough". Does anyone else agree?? At what point did life get so staccato and complicated? Today, I am taking the time to honestly appreciate the little things because in all actuality those are the things that mean the most!

You know what I've always wanted to do?! Go to NYC during autumn and run thru the piles of leaves in central park. That would be rad :)

We don't have nearly enough leaves that turn colors and fall from their limbs here in San Diego. Oooh well... we've got the beach so it all equals out I suppose :) We can't have it ALL can we?

My Revelation: Daring to Move.

FYI: This post comes straight from my heart and I hope you get something out of it. Feel free to leave comments!! It would be encouraging to know someone is reading and possibly relates in some fashion to what I’m saying. Bear with me... this one's looong but well worth the read :)

How is it that one area of our life can cast a shadow over all the others? I’ve never quite understood this phenomenon and it’s something I’ve been dealing with, basically all of 2008. I don’t quite know if this is something I’m “struggling with” or if this is a tool, used by God to show me certain things about myself, about people, about Him and about life in general. I get an overwhelming sensation that everything I’ve been going through this past year has not been by mistake or by fluke and it all has a unique place in God’s plan. “How do you really know this, Sarah??” you might be asking. The answer is that I don’t—really. All I know is that I talk to God and seek His face—aspiring to become more like Christ—selfless instead of selfish; seeking to know more of the Lord’s truth and to view life through His lens and not the worlds; seeking His direction and His will for my life. And thru it all I’m secure that this is where He wants me to be, that He’s working in me and intercedes on my behalf… and He’s doing big things in my life in preparation for His will that lies ahead. I know all of this has a purpose and that the Holy Spirit is always with me… from typical day-to-day activities to the days where I am at my wits end in a pit of darkness... I'm never alone.


I just have to say it, again, that I am utterly perplexed by the situation I’m in. I don’t really want to get into a lot of detail about it… partially because I don’t think there are words in the English language that quite describe what’s going on nor sum up the way I feel inside. All I’m going to say is that being in love is ultimately one of the hardest things to grasp… especially loving the way God has called us to love. I’m learning that love is not at all like the cookie cutter, happily-ever-after media displays. I’m learning what true, real, pure love is all about. It breaks you down, lifts you up while making you better. It’s patient, endures and perseveres through the calm and the storm. It is selfless and honors the other person above ourselves. It forgives and is humble. The list goes on. The true definition of love is Christ’s love for us and the instructions for how to love is by emulating Christ’s love to others.

The breakthrough I pointed out in the previous blog has to do with what I’ve been saying in this post. To get into more specifics, there is so much I’ve learned and realized recently. Some of this may come as a shock to anyone who actually reads my blog because I do get pretty personal and share a lot of my inner thoughts, issues and conflicts. I am much more expressive in writing than in person (except for my best friends… and some family, of course). Anyway, first off, I see my imperfections and have been humbled. I am beginning to see just how closed off I’ve become, as such I’ve realized that I have a major problem with pretending that I have it all together… and my pride/embarrassment/shame won’t allow me to ask certain people for prayer in the exact area of my life that I desperately need it… relationships! I don’t want people to know I’m struggling… what if they think I’m pathetic, what if they think less of me?... However; I think this is the exact point God wanted me to get to so I would recognize my own need for others! We aren’t meant to handle certain things alone… when did I suddenly get “too good” to admit I need prayer and help?! This is a stronghold that must be released immediately by allowing myself to be truly vulnerable to the people God has placed in my life! In the same breath, obviously—sometimes I get so caught up in me and the issues/struggles I’m facing that I fail to notice the struggling souls all around me who need encouragement, to be lifted up and prayed for as well. I’ve decided to change this. I have to be real with the girls in my bible study (all of whom I can trust) with where I’m at and that I need them. I also have to confess to people that I’ve been selfish in looking at my own life instead of picking them up when they’ve needed me. So… how am I exactly going to do this?? Here are some of my goals.

• Continue to exhort forgiveness (I know exactly who and what this means…)
• Make people better around me by allowing God’s love to shine through me by going above and beyond for somebody everyday—by whatever means God shows me.
• Be obedient to what God is calling me to do.
• Start my day slowly, on my knees in prayer, asking for help and praying for others.
• Increase the level of my prayer life in general.
• Read the Word daily.
• Keep a daily journal… which tracks my progress and shows the work God is doing in my life.
• Move from looking @ my circumstances to believing in God’s mighty power to do the unthinkable.
• Compile excerpts of what I’ve written into a cohesive poem-like format… then read it aloud publicly. Either at bible study, an open mic or another similar setting.
• Praise God in everything.
• Possess the knowledge that these goals and the process of growth are NOT easy! All of this is exceptionally trying and, not if, but when I feel like giving up it’s vital to press on and call upon people for help.

I’m a foot way from the wall that’s held me up for so, so long. What I mean by this is the sheer fact that I'm metaphorically running to the Lord (and no one else) to escape from myself while FORGING AHEAD to what He has for me while also trusting in the healing that’s taking place and has been taking place. I’m no longer anxiously looking about for something or someone (shopping, random men, alcohol, etc) to fill the void God has purposely placed in my heart for what He wants to fill it with! God defines who I am—not the tension between how it is and how it could be; or whether I’m single or in a relationship. I am in awe as I look back at how far God has brought me. I've grown tremendously spiritually and my heart transformed before my very eyes. I just praise the Lord for all He’s done and is doing… while knowing that further growth is enevitable… forever. I’ll never reach the peak where I’ve got it all figured out and everything makes sense… I’ll always need God and continually mature in the spirit of truth.

So there you have it. That’s my breakthrough. This is me… the good, bad and the ugly. I have a long way to go… but as I’ve always said… we’re all works in progress. I’ll leave you with these verses in Philippians 3:7-9, 12-14.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith… Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Boy oh boy... you ready for this one?

It’s been a minute since I've posted my usual twice-weekly (or more) blog. I have so much to write about that I kinda don't know where to start! I went to Florida last week with my family for a surprise visit to my youngest brother. The trip was awesome. EXACTLY what I needed. Spending time with my family hit the spot. A blog is coming soon about the trip and our crazy family times. Sometimes I forget how goofy when we’re all together :)

So yes... I have several things to write about - which will occur in a sequence of blogs. My blogs are pretty long as is - so I felt the need to write in sections :) Just to give some highlights as to what's to come:

Florida
This current week (October 15, 2005 and all it entails)
Some goals I'm actively striving for
Re-evaluation of where I’m at (moving an inch, is still progress!)
Remnant leadership

I’d like to start with my week and go from there! Bear with me… I have a lot to put forth and I apologize now if it comes out as a huge blob of random thoughts – I’ll do my best to stay cohesive.

This week has had its challenges, its sadness, its loneliness and its share of emptiness – however, I’ve also found hope and peace that transcends my comprehension and a renewed spirit. I think I may be getting somewhere; it’s as if I’ve experienced a breakthrough!

Beginning. The week started fine – I was surprisingly ready to come back to work after the week off in Florida. I knew for awhile that this week would be challenging and I’d have my sad moments. You see, October 15th, marks a sad day for me, my family and a lot of people I know. Three years ago on October 15th my brother Nick went with a group of his best friends to Rosarito, Mexico for a night of partying and fun. I was invited to come along but it didn’t end up working out. I talked to Nick just before they crossed the border and told him to CALL me once they arrived back in the states – so I knew they were all ok and safe. I, then, proceeded to go out with my friend Meghan and on my way to pick her up it started to pour down rain to the point of turning my windshield wipers on full blast and having to slow down to practically nothing. I got chills up my spine and thought of my brother and friends and prayed they were ok. Later on, around 1 AM I got the phone call. The dreaded phone call. It was Juan’s brother struggling to tell me Nick and the others had been in a horrific accident and Nick was ok…. But Patrick (one of Nick's best friends didn’t make it - and our friend Tamara was in critical condition - ended up being paralyzed). I could NOT, for the life of me, believe what was just said. All I remember saying was oh my God, oh my God about 100 times as he explained to me what had happened. He said, “They need for you to pick them up. Can you meet them at the border?”. Luckily Meghan was with me, because I was literally paralyzed by what had just been revealed to me. Patrick is GONE? My brother had to see his best friend die? He held him until the asshole paramedics (yes, they were absolute jerks) arrived and then had to leave him there. I remember the drive down the 5 that felt like ages, I remember the guilt I felt for not having been successful in my endeavors to stop them from going in the first place… a million what-if’s clouded my mind… what if I would have went… would this have even happened?? Why did this have to happen? I remember feeling as if I were screaming with no lungs. I remember thanking God that my brother was still here. I remember wanting to hug him and never, ever let go. I remember their faces when I picked them up and the tears that flowed as I hugged each of them and having absolutely no words to say that expressed how sorry I was. The days that followed were consumed by tears and just being with my brother and hugging and crying with him. The pain he felt tore me to pieces because growing up, I was always able to console him and somehow make it better. But now, there was nothing of the sort possible. There were no words, no actions, nothing I could do to stop his pain and bring Patrick back – nothing. The atrocities of October 15, 2005 have been single-handedly the most difficult times I’ve gone through so far in this life. Partially because of all the loss, who Patrick was, Tamara being paralyzed, but the crux of it all was seeing my brother in the worst pain of his life, mourning for his best friend and having no control in making him better… besides being there and experiencing it with him – every step of the way. The accident taught me a great deal about life and that we are NEVER promised another day, another moment other than the one were in right now. Every day, every opportunity and every person in our lives is a gift. October 15th, 2005, has changed my life and re-shaped the way I live and given me a drastically different perspective. Normally, I hit a wall on the week of October 15th (and sometimes the entire month of October). This year’s anniversary proved to be difficult – which is to be expected but I have experienced God’s incredible peace and love which has made all the difference.

So with all of this being said, the beginning of the week was as good as can be expected – actually better than expected. I was doing really well… I felt refreshed after the Florida trip. My days at work were fine and I’d be fine… up until I lay down to go to bed. Once my face hit the pillow- it would all hit me – the anniversary of the accident, my brother, the dog, missing H, being lonely and I’d start bawling... just sobbing basically until I fell asleep. This happened three nights in a row. Finally, by Wednesday (which was the 15th) I woke up and got on my knees, first thing, and prayed to God for His strength for everyone affected by the accident. I began to call out their names, praying for each person individually. I asked for the Lords peace and comfort and what you know? It happened! Of course I thought about my brother a lot and Pat and the person he was but I also felt this incredible peace from the Lord. It was as if He was reassuring me that He’s been there with me from the beginning – the very beginning, before my very existence. He knows what I need before I need it or even realize that I need it… and no matter how many stupid things I do and how undeserving I am of His love, He loves me. That is such a comfort for me.

Needless to say, from the 15th up until now, the peace I’ve felt still remains! Praise God. Every time October 15th rolls around I re-visit the progress I’m making and ask myself, “Am I happy with the person I am today?” This is where the breakthrough I mentioned earlier starts to take form. It may be small… but even an inch is progress and can be significant! More to come soon…

Beach Cruisers & Mission Hills :)

My roommie and I both got beach cruisers! It was so cool the way it worked out. To make a semi-long story short... we left the house to look at a bike for her and ended up not buying that particular one but two other ones in PB and Bay Park for me and her... and stuffing both of them into the back of her Jetta! We got them for 40 bucks each! Sweet deal right?! For beach cruisers that's pretty good. Mine is light blue and hers is light purple. So far, we've cruised around all over Hillcrest mainly but a little of Mission Hills and University Heights as well. It's soooo much fun! The weather is gorgeous and I love our neighborhood. We passed by so many cool shops and restaurants, of course. Lots of home home & decor stores and vintage clothing stores too. We found this one vintage clothing store in University Heights that had some cool stuff. Name brands and all for all of us label girls. Well... I'm only a label girl when it comes to certain things -or clothes it's mainly for jeans. We couldn't stop @ every place we wanted cause we don't have locks yet. A lock and basket are in definite order a-sap. My booty still needs to adjust to the bike seat tho... I still get a little sore :)

Oh Mission Hills, how I love thee. I know I'm a nerd... but I seriously LOVE where I live. I love the fact that I can ride my bike around, that I can take my laptop a short distance to numerous coffee shops and get free wi-fi, I love all the local restaurants, I love how centrally located it is too... that I can easily access the 5 and 163. It's close to Balboa Park :) And the Rock :) :) (that's an extra BIG smiley face, FYI). I'm sooo glad to be living "uptown" and not in suburbia anymore! (Well... not that Esco was suburbia, really - ha, maybe a slightly more ghetto version of suburbia! It was just too residential for me.) I love our balcony and the lovely breeze our apartment gets. Leo's extra happy to be able to venture outside too! I love the fact that Sushi Deli is in my backyard and that there's a yogurt place down the street. AND that there are grocery stores galore within walking and biking distance.

Thank you LORD for hooking us up with such a RAD location to live. See kiddos - this is what happens when you allow GOD control and ask Him to place you where He wants you to be. It'll always be to our benefit! I'll leave you with one of my all-time favorite verses: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28