It’s been a minute since I've posted my usual twice-weekly (or more) blog. I have so much to write about that I kinda don't know where to start! I went to Florida last week with my family for a surprise visit to my youngest brother. The trip was awesome. EXACTLY what I needed. Spending time with my family hit the spot. A blog is coming soon about the trip and our crazy family times. Sometimes I forget how goofy when we’re all together :)
So yes... I have several things to write about - which will occur in a sequence of blogs. My blogs are pretty long as is - so I felt the need to write in sections :) Just to give some highlights as to what's to come:
Florida
This current week (October 15, 2005 and all it entails)
Some goals I'm actively striving for
Re-evaluation of where I’m at (moving an inch, is still progress!)
Remnant leadership
I’d like to start with my week and go from there! Bear with me… I have a lot to put forth and I apologize now if it comes out as a huge blob of random thoughts – I’ll do my best to stay cohesive.
This week has had its challenges, its sadness, its loneliness and its share of emptiness – however, I’ve also found hope and peace that transcends my comprehension and a renewed spirit. I think I may be getting somewhere; it’s as if I’ve experienced a breakthrough!
Beginning. The week started fine – I was surprisingly ready to come back to work after the week off in Florida. I knew for awhile that this week would be challenging and I’d have my sad moments. You see, October 15th, marks a sad day for me, my family and a lot of people I know. Three years ago on October 15th my brother Nick went with a group of his best friends to Rosarito, Mexico for a night of partying and fun. I was invited to come along but it didn’t end up working out. I talked to Nick just before they crossed the border and told him to CALL me once they arrived back in the states – so I knew they were all ok and safe. I, then, proceeded to go out with my friend Meghan and on my way to pick her up it started to pour down rain to the point of turning my windshield wipers on full blast and having to slow down to practically nothing. I got chills up my spine and thought of my brother and friends and prayed they were ok. Later on, around 1 AM I got the phone call. The dreaded phone call. It was Juan’s brother struggling to tell me Nick and the others had been in a horrific accident and Nick was ok…. But Patrick (one of Nick's best friends didn’t make it - and our friend Tamara was in critical condition - ended up being paralyzed). I could NOT, for the life of me, believe what was just said. All I remember saying was oh my God, oh my God about 100 times as he explained to me what had happened. He said, “They need for you to pick them up. Can you meet them at the border?”. Luckily Meghan was with me, because I was literally paralyzed by what had just been revealed to me. Patrick is GONE? My brother had to see his best friend die? He held him until the asshole paramedics (yes, they were absolute jerks) arrived and then had to leave him there. I remember the drive down the 5 that felt like ages, I remember the guilt I felt for not having been successful in my endeavors to stop them from going in the first place… a million what-if’s clouded my mind… what if I would have went… would this have even happened?? Why did this have to happen? I remember feeling as if I were screaming with no lungs. I remember thanking God that my brother was still here. I remember wanting to hug him and never, ever let go. I remember their faces when I picked them up and the tears that flowed as I hugged each of them and having absolutely no words to say that expressed how sorry I was. The days that followed were consumed by tears and just being with my brother and hugging and crying with him. The pain he felt tore me to pieces because growing up, I was always able to console him and somehow make it better. But now, there was nothing of the sort possible. There were no words, no actions, nothing I could do to stop his pain and bring Patrick back – nothing. The atrocities of October 15, 2005 have been single-handedly the most difficult times I’ve gone through so far in this life. Partially because of all the loss, who Patrick was, Tamara being paralyzed, but the crux of it all was seeing my brother in the worst pain of his life, mourning for his best friend and having no control in making him better… besides being there and experiencing it with him – every step of the way. The accident taught me a great deal about life and that we are NEVER promised another day, another moment other than the one were in right now. Every day, every opportunity and every person in our lives is a gift. October 15th, 2005, has changed my life and re-shaped the way I live and given me a drastically different perspective. Normally, I hit a wall on the week of October 15th (and sometimes the entire month of October). This year’s anniversary proved to be difficult – which is to be expected but I have experienced God’s incredible peace and love which has made all the difference.
So with all of this being said, the beginning of the week was as good as can be expected – actually better than expected. I was doing really well… I felt refreshed after the Florida trip. My days at work were fine and I’d be fine… up until I lay down to go to bed. Once my face hit the pillow- it would all hit me – the anniversary of the accident, my brother, the dog, missing H, being lonely and I’d start bawling... just sobbing basically until I fell asleep. This happened three nights in a row. Finally, by Wednesday (which was the 15th) I woke up and got on my knees, first thing, and prayed to God for His strength for everyone affected by the accident. I began to call out their names, praying for each person individually. I asked for the Lords peace and comfort and what you know? It happened! Of course I thought about my brother a lot and Pat and the person he was but I also felt this incredible peace from the Lord. It was as if He was reassuring me that He’s been there with me from the beginning – the very beginning, before my very existence. He knows what I need before I need it or even realize that I need it… and no matter how many stupid things I do and how undeserving I am of His love, He loves me. That is such a comfort for me.
Needless to say, from the 15th up until now, the peace I’ve felt still remains! Praise God. Every time October 15th rolls around I re-visit the progress I’m making and ask myself, “Am I happy with the person I am today?” This is where the breakthrough I mentioned earlier starts to take form. It may be small… but even an inch is progress and can be significant! More to come soon…
So yes... I have several things to write about - which will occur in a sequence of blogs. My blogs are pretty long as is - so I felt the need to write in sections :) Just to give some highlights as to what's to come:
Florida
This current week (October 15, 2005 and all it entails)
Some goals I'm actively striving for
Re-evaluation of where I’m at (moving an inch, is still progress!)
Remnant leadership
I’d like to start with my week and go from there! Bear with me… I have a lot to put forth and I apologize now if it comes out as a huge blob of random thoughts – I’ll do my best to stay cohesive.
This week has had its challenges, its sadness, its loneliness and its share of emptiness – however, I’ve also found hope and peace that transcends my comprehension and a renewed spirit. I think I may be getting somewhere; it’s as if I’ve experienced a breakthrough!
Beginning. The week started fine – I was surprisingly ready to come back to work after the week off in Florida. I knew for awhile that this week would be challenging and I’d have my sad moments. You see, October 15th, marks a sad day for me, my family and a lot of people I know. Three years ago on October 15th my brother Nick went with a group of his best friends to Rosarito, Mexico for a night of partying and fun. I was invited to come along but it didn’t end up working out. I talked to Nick just before they crossed the border and told him to CALL me once they arrived back in the states – so I knew they were all ok and safe. I, then, proceeded to go out with my friend Meghan and on my way to pick her up it started to pour down rain to the point of turning my windshield wipers on full blast and having to slow down to practically nothing. I got chills up my spine and thought of my brother and friends and prayed they were ok. Later on, around 1 AM I got the phone call. The dreaded phone call. It was Juan’s brother struggling to tell me Nick and the others had been in a horrific accident and Nick was ok…. But Patrick (one of Nick's best friends didn’t make it - and our friend Tamara was in critical condition - ended up being paralyzed). I could NOT, for the life of me, believe what was just said. All I remember saying was oh my God, oh my God about 100 times as he explained to me what had happened. He said, “They need for you to pick them up. Can you meet them at the border?”. Luckily Meghan was with me, because I was literally paralyzed by what had just been revealed to me. Patrick is GONE? My brother had to see his best friend die? He held him until the asshole paramedics (yes, they were absolute jerks) arrived and then had to leave him there. I remember the drive down the 5 that felt like ages, I remember the guilt I felt for not having been successful in my endeavors to stop them from going in the first place… a million what-if’s clouded my mind… what if I would have went… would this have even happened?? Why did this have to happen? I remember feeling as if I were screaming with no lungs. I remember thanking God that my brother was still here. I remember wanting to hug him and never, ever let go. I remember their faces when I picked them up and the tears that flowed as I hugged each of them and having absolutely no words to say that expressed how sorry I was. The days that followed were consumed by tears and just being with my brother and hugging and crying with him. The pain he felt tore me to pieces because growing up, I was always able to console him and somehow make it better. But now, there was nothing of the sort possible. There were no words, no actions, nothing I could do to stop his pain and bring Patrick back – nothing. The atrocities of October 15, 2005 have been single-handedly the most difficult times I’ve gone through so far in this life. Partially because of all the loss, who Patrick was, Tamara being paralyzed, but the crux of it all was seeing my brother in the worst pain of his life, mourning for his best friend and having no control in making him better… besides being there and experiencing it with him – every step of the way. The accident taught me a great deal about life and that we are NEVER promised another day, another moment other than the one were in right now. Every day, every opportunity and every person in our lives is a gift. October 15th, 2005, has changed my life and re-shaped the way I live and given me a drastically different perspective. Normally, I hit a wall on the week of October 15th (and sometimes the entire month of October). This year’s anniversary proved to be difficult – which is to be expected but I have experienced God’s incredible peace and love which has made all the difference.
So with all of this being said, the beginning of the week was as good as can be expected – actually better than expected. I was doing really well… I felt refreshed after the Florida trip. My days at work were fine and I’d be fine… up until I lay down to go to bed. Once my face hit the pillow- it would all hit me – the anniversary of the accident, my brother, the dog, missing H, being lonely and I’d start bawling... just sobbing basically until I fell asleep. This happened three nights in a row. Finally, by Wednesday (which was the 15th) I woke up and got on my knees, first thing, and prayed to God for His strength for everyone affected by the accident. I began to call out their names, praying for each person individually. I asked for the Lords peace and comfort and what you know? It happened! Of course I thought about my brother a lot and Pat and the person he was but I also felt this incredible peace from the Lord. It was as if He was reassuring me that He’s been there with me from the beginning – the very beginning, before my very existence. He knows what I need before I need it or even realize that I need it… and no matter how many stupid things I do and how undeserving I am of His love, He loves me. That is such a comfort for me.
Needless to say, from the 15th up until now, the peace I’ve felt still remains! Praise God. Every time October 15th rolls around I re-visit the progress I’m making and ask myself, “Am I happy with the person I am today?” This is where the breakthrough I mentioned earlier starts to take form. It may be small… but even an inch is progress and can be significant! More to come soon…
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