NorCal [in all it's glory].

I'm back from my quick trip to NorCal. There were plenty of tears shed along with laughter, smiles and fond memories shared of Sherri and Bootsie. It was awesome to be in the company of my family. I got to see some of my cousins whom I haven't seen in awhile and they all seem to be doing great. One of the funny things about my extended family - when I haven't seen them in awhile - is that they always ask me if I'm married yet. I just laugh and assure them that if I were to be engaged, even, they would know... and they'd be invited to the wedding. Duh. It's as if my family thinks I'm going to elope or something without telling anyone. I find this quite amusing - considering I've always dreamth to have a mid to big sized wedding. Then they proceed to tell me... "We gotta find a man for Sarah. She's so beautiful, smart, blah blah... why doesn't she have a man? Why isn't she married? Oooh she's gonna be next to get married!" I just chuckle and say... "Really, guys, I'm okay. When God wants me to be married, I will".

There is a small piece of me that asks the same questions tho... about marriage. Mmmm... oh well. I trust God. That's all there is to it. I want me to marry the person He has for me... that way I'll know we'll be blessed!

There is always something about being home that feels so comforting and natural. Modesto, and NorCal in general, will always be home to me. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll ever move back, nor do I want to... it's just home. Other than my family (which is a given) there are a few other things I miss about home. Some of these include:

The trees - especially in autumn when the leaves change colors
The Orchards
The smell of being in the country (not cattle - mind you, I know what you're thinking!)
Familiarity of places and streets
Cheaper gas prices!
The Yogurt Mill
The Chicken Barn (they have the best chicken and spuds - how many of you actually know what spuds are??)
The River
Saying amons' (instead of aLmonds) and it's all good! Nobody laughs cause they say it that way too!

I'm sure there's more to the list but I'll stop for now. Good ol MoTown. This weekend sure brought back memories... lots of them! Makes me realize, again, where I come from and the fact that I'm a little country, a tad ghetto, definitely a Holmes and always classy :)

Heavy Heart.

I got another difficult phone call last night. My Mom called me sobbing on the other end of the line... I could barely make out the words "Boot's was hit by a car... he's gone". Boots is my brothers dog... our baby. Our 9 month old pit/lab baby. You might think I sound silly but animals do become part of the family and they take part of our hearts when they leave this world. I woke up this morning with Boots on my mind... and the knowledge that he is gone became real. I've felt like falling apart all day today. Seeing him was something I was sooo looking forward to after driving the 7 hours home tonight. Nick is sad... a wreck... he feels like it's his fault.

H was with me when I got the news. We were eating @ City Deli and as soon as we got back to my place I completely lost it. The heaviness of all that has been lost really hit me (my aunt Sherri's death, Boot's being gone and the anniversary of Patrick's passing) ... and it continues to do so. I just stood there and sobbed, my head against his chest and his arms around me. We stood there embraced for a good few minutes. He got me tissue and hugged me... it felt freeing to be able to cry, not say a word, and have that be okay. I'm glad H was there. God knew I needed him there @ that precise moment. He told me he wished he could take the pain away and all I could say was him being there was enough.

Have you ever had that sensation where catching your breath is exigent? ... When practically every breath is difficult and you just don't know what to do?! Have you ever felt as if you were screaming but no sound emits? Have you ever had a dark, dreary, cloud of gloom encompass your world? Have you ever wanted to fall asleep and not wake up until the pain dulls? Have you ever felt as through you walk around all day with watery eyes and "that lump" in the back of your throat and it takes nearly every bit of life still within you not to fall to pieces? Is it okay to just be sad, be gloomy, be upset, grieve, weep and not have to smile, not have to laugh and not have to pretend that everything is okay....?? Because sometimes it's not okay!! Frankly, right now I'm "ok" but I'm not okay... I'm just not, if that makes any sense to you. Truthfully, I can't wait to be off work so I can get in my car and allow myself to let go... release all the saddness and grief that's been building throughout the day in the form of tears and loud sobbing.

Man... life is hard. I thank God that it is by His strength that I am able stand here today... not mine. I'm amazed at how He sustains me through my pain. Through the storms of this life I will not cease to worship and praise Him... for He is worthy.

Bittersweet passing.

How do I begin this post? I found out that my aunt, who has suffered for years with MS, went to be with the Lord last night. Her passing is bittersweet... bitter because she'll be missed by so many, including her son and two daughters. And sweet because her suffering is over, the chains are broken and she is free in heaven with her Lord. Death is so much more bearable when the person knows Jesus. I'll be making the trek up to NorCal on Thursday night. The funeral is on Friday in Woodland which is about 30 minutes past Sac Town. I'll be on the road a lot this weekend. I would have flown but airfare is outrageous! I will be nice to be home tho... even if it is only for a couple days.

Hmmm... one of my favorite memories of Sherri (my aunt) is that we shared the love of Dr. Pepper! Only difference is that she loved when it went flat... ick! I never understood it but that's how she liked it :) She also made the best sugar cookies known to man!

My aunts death coupled with the anniversary of Patrick's death (my brother's best friend who I'll explain in an upcoming blog) is heavy... I'm not going to lie. October 15th marks the tragic accident that killed Patrick and left his girlfriend Tamara paralyzed (my brother was in the accident too). This year marks 3 years. When October rolls around and especially when the weather changes it's like a grey film covers me. It's kinda like the marine layer that rolls in... first covering the beach regions and slowly moving to the inland extremities until the entire county is encased. It's not everyday... just depends. That's me in October, I get this thin layer of gloom that rests over me. And to be completely honest, some days are really hard and I get really sad... and somedays I'm okay. Although things can get gloomy for me leading up to October and thru the month, I still feel God's overwhelming peace and love. I can feel Him close to my spirit, guiding and protecting me. I give Him praise for who His is and for never leaving my side.

Times such as these are reminders to appreciate life and all that's given to us including the people we love! I am so blessed and grateful for God and the people He's placed in my life. The people who have prayed for me and my family... the people I pray for. The ones who are just there to listen... or to offer words of encouragement. Life is so incredibly precious and time on earth is not endless. Sometimes it's good to be reminded of that truth so we walk everyday with the understanding that the people we love know it.

Man...

I am spent today. I get so amped for Friday's that I forget how difficult they are @ my work (everyone calls about their escrows on Friday it seems). It's kinda like how women forget the pain of labor the moment they see their newborn... and thus end up giving birth to more children. I have NO idea if this made sense to you. Sorry, I'm a bit loopy right now, but I kid you not - my day got ridiculously hectic after lunch. I'm just like dayyyum people, go home, quit calling, start your dang weekend! It's mainly the agents and bank owned properties that are asinine. I like that word - asinine.

I really, really want to just drive home after work, put on a Grey's Anatomy DVD and veg out BUT I'm going to be a good roommate and go chill @ Oceanside Harbor for her birthday - for a bit. This is partially what I miss about living alone! No one to account for other than me. If I feel like going stright to the couch and not talk to another human being, it was my perogative - not so much anymore. I just feel so mentally exhausted and my neck/shoulders are killing me. I think I need an advil.... a-sap. A hug would be nice too. I could use one of those. Have you ever just wanted to lay there.... somewhere... and have the world stop spinning just for a moment? So you can just be. So you can stop long enough to catch your breath and replace the air in your lungs that the world so savagely sucks out of you? I know I do.

So... I've compiled a brief list of things to accomplish this weekend or by early next week. Just so I can breathe easier and not feel so much weight on my chest.

• Get some revisions done on my thesis. Make histograms of normality violations on SPSS to include in the thesis.
• Get the Remnant myspace page up to par. Yea... that means changing the background and adding peoples pics and just all around beefing it up.
• Finish unpacking the majority of the boxes in my bedroom!
• Spray paint some shelves in my room
• Figure out how to disguise the ugliness of the brown paneling that covers a portion of our wall in the hallway/living room area. Home decor ideas?! Please advise!
• Get my hair done.... sweeeetness! Color and cut. Time for a change.

Well... time to get outta here and head up to the harbor. TGIF!!!!!!!!!!

Pride-shmide.

I have just stumbled across an extrememly sobering truth today. I'm beginning to make sense of whole male conundrum I've been dealing with as of late. I may have figured out part of the problem... it's as if I've been enlightened by God Himself! I couldn't keep this enlightening experience to myself!

The world has an ego problem. Pride is something that has become so ordinary and so prevalent that sometimes we don't even see it. BUT it's killing us! Pride could very well be the single-most deadly venom - poisoning relationships. The end! Haha... I kid I kid. We have become people that are all about ourselves. WE ask the question, what can he/she do for me? What will I get out of this transaction? What's in it for me? Me, me, me. Do you see it?? It's all around us! What would the world look like if we asked ourselves how we can be a blessing to others? What if we questioned how we could give to another instead of wrestling with what we can get? What about if we just stopped for a moment to think about someone else other than ourself? How about if we honored others above ourselves?? Hmmm... what a novel concept.

Friends... I'm sorry to say it but pride is probably the solitary thing keeping many of us from what we really want in life. It most definitely separates us from God. A devotion I read this morning said something so impactful. It read, "Pride will hold us back from laying down our expectations and rights in order to reach out to those who cross our path. Pride will slowly erode the humble spirit God so wants to see in His people and in their relationships." That is the crux of this englightening experience!! It is PRIDE that keeps us holding onto all those petty expectations that end up destroying relationships. Can't we learn to let things go for the people that come across our path? Why does it always have to be all about us and how we feel and what we're going thru? A good dose of humility would cure many failing marriages, broken family relationships and struggling friendships. I can't stress enough that if we layed some of that prideful baggage down, our load would be a whole lot lighter, the picture would be clearer and we could impact lives in incredible ways!! HOWEVER, if our minds are so cluttered with thoughts of ourselves... how will there ever be room for someone else? How will there even be room for God who should be first above all else??

I can feel my heart being transformed. I've experienced that God's ways are not the world's ways. As written in the devotion today, in God’s economy of life in order to be strong we must choose weakness and in order to be first we must be content with last. This may seem odd to some but, friends, I can't tell you how freeing it is to just allow God to be God of your life. Nope, it's not easy but His love and His peace transcends our understanding. And remember, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

I am so thankful this truth was revealed to me today. I hope you are too :)

Asexual.

So I finally made it out to the HardRock Hotel downtown this past Saturday night. I was fun. Classy. Chic. We couldn't go to the roof which was a bummer but oh well. I had fun with our little crew but I couldn't help but notice all that surrounded me in that place. Sometimes going out is fun but other times it's not. Sometimes it's scary to see who's out there and makes me feel like crap and totally disgusted by the time I drive home. I encountered so many dogs. Losers. Jerks! Men. Whatever you want to call them. Bitter? Maybe. Jaded? A little. Fed up? Definitely yes. Honestly, being currently single - yet hopeful that marriage does exist somewhere in my future - is a scary, scary place to be in right now. Why, might you ask? Because the pool of imbeciles that were out @ the Hard Rock on Saturday are a portion of the available men I have to chose from. Yes, they're only a portion so I guess there's a little hope... AND don't get me wrong I wouldn't dare date nor do I go looking to meet men @ bars or clubs. That's off limits for me. I'd much rather be alone and honoring God than be with some douchebag who could really give an eff. BUT I'm still left with the burning question.... are there ANY good men in the world? Are there any wonderful, God honoring, respectful men in the world?? I don't want luke warm anymore. I want someone who wants to go the distance, who wants to care, who desires to go above and beyond... with me.

I guess my point is that there's got to be more in the realm of relationships than this... more than what I saw Saturday. It's ugly. Daunting. I don't have the energy for it - nor do I want to have the energy! Can't I just be asexual?! According to Wikipedia, an asexual being does not feel sexual attraction, period. Wouldn't that be nice? To not care about being intimate with another human-being? I'm stuck because I don't want to settle, yet I refuse to give any part of me away to some a-hole. Maybe I'm closed off - but can you honestly blame me?? And if I'm wrong and being unreasonable please tell me! Put me in my place!

I know I put H on a pedestal. I've realized that recently. He is a 100 times better than most of the guys out there though. It may sound ridicuolus but it's true! I love him. I love him today, I'll love him tomorrow and I always will. Do I wish I could stop? Yes. Suddenly not care? Yes. Did I take a huge risk allowing him into my heart? Yes. I know there are guys out there even better than him, that blow him away. Where are they? What would I do if I encountered one? Someone with style, that's cute, classy, loves the Lord above all else, walks upright, is cultured, sophisticated, educated... and oooh... who is [magical word] ready for me.

Anyway.... so this post was a bit of a vent fest. Sorry. This is what blogging is all about tho. I get it out of my system, free my mind and move on. This whole "thing" is a process. I'm making small steps to healing, forgiveness and allowing the Lord to be God of my life, believe it or not. At the end of the day, I have hopes, dreams and improvements I'd like to make. Thru it all, I'm okay. I'm growing in the spirit of truth and getting closer to where God wants me to be!

Reflections.

It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since the September 11th attacks. I remember that day so precisely. I remember being woken up by Nick (my big little brother) shouting at the TV, "They hit another tower!!" The rest of the day was spent glued to live broadcasts of msnbc online while working at Modesto Junior College. I remember answering the endless phone calls, "Classes are still in session, thank you for calling Modesto Junior College". 90% of the calls questioned if campus was still open. It seemed odd that the university systems were all closed but community colleges remained open. I remember the eerie feeling that day... and for the days to come. I remember the strangeness of not seeing or hearing even one airplane fly in the sky after flights nationwide were grounded. I remember sitting in front of my parents house in total disbelief of what had occured earlier in the day... that thousands of people lost their lives, hundreds were missing and God only knew how many were injured physically and psychologically. Millions of people were affected and are affected.

A day that started so typical - ended so dramatically devastating and different for nearly every person in our nation. Even those who were not directly affected by either knowing a person who perished, or was injured, a firefigher, rescue worker at ground zero, etc... we were all left shooken and disillusioned. I know that I look at life different and I honor the 9/11 heroes. I know that I'll never forget.

As I looked for September 11th images I came across this. It literally gave me some of the most intense chills I've EVER had. This puts September 11th into perspective. This picture bothers me beyond belief! As it should. Gods word says to break our hearts for what breaks the heart of God. THIS image breaks the heart of God - and it breaks mine as well.

Lets push our feelings, politics, and skepticism aside today and honor and pray for those affected by 9/11. Personally, I'd like to thank our military - past and present, for protecting us and fighting for our freedom that so many of us take for granted. Thank you to every airman, soldier, marine and sailor for serving our country. I especially want to thank one favorite airman in particular, Scott Michael Holmes, my baby brother who serves in the United States Air Force. I love you Scotty!! You will always have my full support... and I admire you more than you know.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 - Let us never forget.

Home sweet home.

So I realized today that I haven't yet blogged about my new place! My thesis kept me buried in Word, SPSS and PowerPoint for a time - but now that it's successfully defended, I have a little more room to breathe!

My roommate and I officially moved into our new home in the lovely neighborhood of Mission Hills on September 1st. I just have to say... the big move would not have happened without the help of the Remnant guys. Remnant is the ministry I'm in leadership with @ the Rock. These guys are amazing and have hearts of gold!! No doubt I saw God's love in each of them as they volunteered a big chunk of their day off (and a holiday @ that) to help me... little ol me... move. There were 9 of us total moving that day. Big ups to Luisa too... she rocks! God is so good! The way he provides and places people into our lives that fulfill such specific purposes never ceases to amaze me.

Ahhh yes, I'm still very much in the unpacking stage. The living room has taken form and my room is actually coming together - slowely but surely. My mom and I walked around, Saturday night, down Washington, University and 5th Ave areas and WOW! So many restaurants to try! I don't know how I'll ever find the time or money to go to all of them but I'll make my best effort! I'm super excited to live in an area whereI can walk around. Getting a bike is next on my list after finishing school and getting a better job (making more scrilla). Then a new bed... a queen comfy one!

Another post is coming soon. It's more about the selfishness issue I was talking about in my previous post. I've had more time to think... which means more to write! Ideally I'd like to get some of your opinions on the matter - so be on the lookout.

Thesis Defense: Check!

I accomplished a major milestone in my life yesterday. I successfully defended my Master's thesis! It still feels surreal. It went really well. The words came so freely during the presentation and I was able to answer my committee's daunting questions with ease (which was the scariest part of the whole defense). It was totally God! I have a few revisions to make before it's signed, sealed and delivered to be bound and finished - BUT the most challenging, stressful aspects of my thesis are behind me. Behind me... wow, that feels strange to say.

Yesterday was good. My mom and friend/sister Risa came to watch my defense. It was awesome seeing them in the audience, knowing I had their full support. We went to lunch @ one of my favorite Japanese restaurants. I also finally had the opportunity to run some "extremely put off" errands. One of them was getting my filthy car washed & vacuumed. I heart the shell carwash on El Norte in ESco btw--that's probably one of two things I actually miss there! Inside the mini mart they had my favorite.... Arizona Black & White tea! Yummm... that stuff is delicious! Kicking bootay on my thesis defense, spending time with two of my favorite people in the world, eating yummy food, getting some ish done and drinking Black & White tea... it couldn't have gotten much better :) I even ended my day watching a bit of football and going to bed @ a decent hour... slept well. Better than I have in awhile.

Today, on the other hand, has been quite the challenge. I've come to the realization that certain people in my life... whom I absolutely love and adore, are totally and completely selfish. You know, the ones who are all about themselves and nobody else. Me, me, me people... ya you know those types, I'm sure you have one or two in your own life. Lets just hope anyone reading is not one of those people. If you are, I hope you get something out of my blog that brings you to this realization.... and you stop this behavior immediately! Man... I tell you. What a way to rain on someone's parade! I know I shouldn't let them get to me but it's extremely difficuolt when I love them as much as I do. It's always more painful when someone hurts us that we love. The point of all of this, that we can all take and walk away with, is to just keep your lips sealed if you feel words lurking out that tear down rather than build up... discourage rather than encourage. You might save someone a lot of heartache!! Take the high road. The long and short of this... is that I should be feeling accomplished, enthused and carefree (which I do) but part of me also feels depleated and disrespected. I'm sure I'll write more of this "issue" tomorrow but for now I have to go.

I am SOOO ready for dance class tonight. I'm desperate for the hardwood floor that allows me to move freely without care or concern, without worry of someone, or anything. I am grateful for modern dance... and for the three hours that my mind can be still tonight.