Heavy Heart.

I got another difficult phone call last night. My Mom called me sobbing on the other end of the line... I could barely make out the words "Boot's was hit by a car... he's gone". Boots is my brothers dog... our baby. Our 9 month old pit/lab baby. You might think I sound silly but animals do become part of the family and they take part of our hearts when they leave this world. I woke up this morning with Boots on my mind... and the knowledge that he is gone became real. I've felt like falling apart all day today. Seeing him was something I was sooo looking forward to after driving the 7 hours home tonight. Nick is sad... a wreck... he feels like it's his fault.

H was with me when I got the news. We were eating @ City Deli and as soon as we got back to my place I completely lost it. The heaviness of all that has been lost really hit me (my aunt Sherri's death, Boot's being gone and the anniversary of Patrick's passing) ... and it continues to do so. I just stood there and sobbed, my head against his chest and his arms around me. We stood there embraced for a good few minutes. He got me tissue and hugged me... it felt freeing to be able to cry, not say a word, and have that be okay. I'm glad H was there. God knew I needed him there @ that precise moment. He told me he wished he could take the pain away and all I could say was him being there was enough.

Have you ever had that sensation where catching your breath is exigent? ... When practically every breath is difficult and you just don't know what to do?! Have you ever felt as if you were screaming but no sound emits? Have you ever had a dark, dreary, cloud of gloom encompass your world? Have you ever wanted to fall asleep and not wake up until the pain dulls? Have you ever felt as through you walk around all day with watery eyes and "that lump" in the back of your throat and it takes nearly every bit of life still within you not to fall to pieces? Is it okay to just be sad, be gloomy, be upset, grieve, weep and not have to smile, not have to laugh and not have to pretend that everything is okay....?? Because sometimes it's not okay!! Frankly, right now I'm "ok" but I'm not okay... I'm just not, if that makes any sense to you. Truthfully, I can't wait to be off work so I can get in my car and allow myself to let go... release all the saddness and grief that's been building throughout the day in the form of tears and loud sobbing.

Man... life is hard. I thank God that it is by His strength that I am able stand here today... not mine. I'm amazed at how He sustains me through my pain. Through the storms of this life I will not cease to worship and praise Him... for He is worthy.