Asexual.

So I finally made it out to the HardRock Hotel downtown this past Saturday night. I was fun. Classy. Chic. We couldn't go to the roof which was a bummer but oh well. I had fun with our little crew but I couldn't help but notice all that surrounded me in that place. Sometimes going out is fun but other times it's not. Sometimes it's scary to see who's out there and makes me feel like crap and totally disgusted by the time I drive home. I encountered so many dogs. Losers. Jerks! Men. Whatever you want to call them. Bitter? Maybe. Jaded? A little. Fed up? Definitely yes. Honestly, being currently single - yet hopeful that marriage does exist somewhere in my future - is a scary, scary place to be in right now. Why, might you ask? Because the pool of imbeciles that were out @ the Hard Rock on Saturday are a portion of the available men I have to chose from. Yes, they're only a portion so I guess there's a little hope... AND don't get me wrong I wouldn't dare date nor do I go looking to meet men @ bars or clubs. That's off limits for me. I'd much rather be alone and honoring God than be with some douchebag who could really give an eff. BUT I'm still left with the burning question.... are there ANY good men in the world? Are there any wonderful, God honoring, respectful men in the world?? I don't want luke warm anymore. I want someone who wants to go the distance, who wants to care, who desires to go above and beyond... with me.

I guess my point is that there's got to be more in the realm of relationships than this... more than what I saw Saturday. It's ugly. Daunting. I don't have the energy for it - nor do I want to have the energy! Can't I just be asexual?! According to Wikipedia, an asexual being does not feel sexual attraction, period. Wouldn't that be nice? To not care about being intimate with another human-being? I'm stuck because I don't want to settle, yet I refuse to give any part of me away to some a-hole. Maybe I'm closed off - but can you honestly blame me?? And if I'm wrong and being unreasonable please tell me! Put me in my place!

I know I put H on a pedestal. I've realized that recently. He is a 100 times better than most of the guys out there though. It may sound ridicuolus but it's true! I love him. I love him today, I'll love him tomorrow and I always will. Do I wish I could stop? Yes. Suddenly not care? Yes. Did I take a huge risk allowing him into my heart? Yes. I know there are guys out there even better than him, that blow him away. Where are they? What would I do if I encountered one? Someone with style, that's cute, classy, loves the Lord above all else, walks upright, is cultured, sophisticated, educated... and oooh... who is [magical word] ready for me.

Anyway.... so this post was a bit of a vent fest. Sorry. This is what blogging is all about tho. I get it out of my system, free my mind and move on. This whole "thing" is a process. I'm making small steps to healing, forgiveness and allowing the Lord to be God of my life, believe it or not. At the end of the day, I have hopes, dreams and improvements I'd like to make. Thru it all, I'm okay. I'm growing in the spirit of truth and getting closer to where God wants me to be!