Peace... at last.

God must have known how much I needed that hug yesterday... because last night I got - from the exact person He knew I needed it from. Yep, you guessed it, from "H"! We had a good talk last night that reiterated many things and got us both on the same page, again, in knowing where we're both @. I got to tell him all that was on my heart and it felt so awesome to lay it all down and know that I said all I had to say. He told me that no matter what happens, I'm amazing to him, he loves me and I have no idea the impact I've made on his life. Wow! That fact alone is amazing - I've managed to make a difference in someone else's life, I've made someone else better - that's why I'm here, that's why I exist... and isn't that what love is all about?! If nothing else - that's something! If one of us were to take our last breath in this moment, I'd know he loves me and I love him - which is all that truely matters. I'm blessed having in in my life - whether it be for a season or a lifetime. Right before I left to go home, we hugged and it lasted... and I had an overwhelming feeling of love surround me. I knew in that moment God is working and sure, I don't know what the outcome will be - whether we'll end up together or not - but the love and embrace we shared is enough and will be enough for now.

I woke up this morning with peace that transcends my understanding. I'm not dwelling, not anxious or worried... and I know God is working. I've realized that I'm not meant to understand the complexities of this situation as of right now - and when I start to question everything and freak out again (because I know the time will come), I'll force myself back to the truth/peace of right now... and focus on the following things God & I are working on (which are more than enough to keep me busy):

• Allowing God to be the Lord of my life
• Being continually filled/controlled by the Holy Spirit
• Supernatural healing
• Forgiveness

I start dancing again tonight! Yayers! Dance is one of the few things in this world that allows me to completely release, leaving my issues @ the door. The moment I walk barefoot on that hardwood floor it's just me and movement..... whewww.

Walls

Let me just start by saying I have about a 100,000,000 +1 things running thru my mind right now so this post might be a little scattered. Just when I think certain aspects of my life are taking form... something happens and I crumble - once again. Today (and yesterday) I've experienced things that have either made me want to throw my hands in the air, scream @ the top of my lungs and kick something... and then fall to my knees and just cry. Am I a freak? Yes, probably, but at least I'm brave enough to put it out there. Writing is a release for me, it helps to organize my thoughts in a logical way and overtime I can see where I've come, how I've grown and what I've learned. What's the point in going thru struggles or difficult times if we don't take the lesson out of it and move forward? Just like Alicia Keys writes, "Fallin down aint fallin down if you don't cry when you hit the floor... yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned".

So yea... I got to work this morning to find an email from one of my thesis committee members. She basically said I have to re-do an entire section of my thesis. However, in order for me to pay $200 as opposed to $1300 (for the semster), is to successfully defend my thesid by 9/8. This is extremely unlikely given all the revisions this committee member wants me to make. This draft has already gone thru 2 other people - mind you, who were fine w/ it. It took every ounce of strength in my body to NOT have a meltdown right @ my desk.

Can I go just a few days with out an effing bomb dropped on me?? If it's not an "H" issue it's something else. It's discouraging, dishearting and frankly any word beginning with "dis" would suffice! How about my life feels like a friggin "dis"aster?!

I'm starting to see just how thick, long and wide my walls really are. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to let people in and be totally real with where I'm at. I can think of about 3 people who truely know everything I'm going thru right now. The rest of the world thinks my life is peachy... or perhaps they know some of my surface level issues (looking for a different/better job, moving, school ish, finances... blah, blah) but they have no idea about the broken, hurt "me" that dwells under my skin. Maybe this is a problem? I'm not sure. All in all, it's not really everyone's business I suppose. It takes a lot for me to allow people in... and those who actually get in... usually stay there and I have a difficult time letting them go... because I put so much of myself into allowing them to be part of me. And when they hurt me... it gets even tougher to let people in. Obviously I need to start with forgiveness... which isn't easy but so freeing once accomplished. Needless to say, I see where I'm at (which is scary) and I dread the long road to healing that lies ahead.

I'm stuck in a place between being in love with someone, while seeking God regarding the plans He has for me, for him and for US...trying to do all I can to work towards healing in the sense of us moving forward (together) ..... to allowing myself to let go of him completely and soley focus on healing so I can move on. I don't think there's a word in the english language that sums up how I feel and how difficult this is. How pathetic I feel @ times. How doubtful I feel that I'll ever heal in any direction.

I had this picture come across my mind that illustrates where I'm at. When autumn comes, leaves begin to fall from trees to the ground. BUT before the each leaf falls completely to the ground a journey takes place. The leaves are wisked away by the wind, flying, flipping and scattering in various directions. All of those leaves on each of those journeys somehow, eventually, all hit the ground and settle. I'm like a little kid chasing all those leaves flying around sporadically... but are they even worth catching? Will the leaf's journey be so frenzied that by the time I've caught it, it's nothing but a wrinkled up, weathered piece of nothing? Am I those leaves?

I've felt lately that God is asking me how much I trust Him. I do trust Him and I know He is truely the only One I need... and my hope is in Him. I just have to be obedient in His ways. Again, I have to daily remind myself of that truth. I'm such a work in progress and I know that I'll keep making "progress" as long as I'm moving. As long as I'm moving He can steer me in the direction where He wants me to be. I know that God is constantly working and I have to be mindful in paying close attention to the works He's doing in my life. I guess my focus this week is on the Lord and His supernatural healing. No matter which direction I go, or where my life turns, healing has to take place regardless. I can't really go anywhere broken.

... Needless to say, here I am. I'm just me... Sarah Michele, trying to find my way. Trying understand and trying to be the best person I can be.

I really just need a hug ... one of those long ones that lasts... and when it's over knowing I'm loved. That would be enough... for now.

Ladies, lessons and love.

Ladies.

I was just thinking this morning, while driving to work, how blessed I am for the people God has placed in my life. Last night at bible study I had to just pause for a moment to think... "Wow, these women are so amazingly beautiful. They're beautiful in their skin, but more so in spirit, in truth and in each of their own, unique ways of reflecting God's love". The sheer knowledge that I love these women and they love me... and someone is praying for me, and me for them, is so encouraging! I see the Lord moving in the lives of so many people I love, which is so exciting... supernatual things are already beginning to blossom and so much more is in the works. I love when something happens that is so God... and there is no question that it is Him who made it happen.

Lessons.

I feel like I've been learning so much recently through all the comings and goings of moving, my friends and their circumstances (loved ones moving away, getting married, finances, etc, etc)bible study, ministry leadership and my own relationship issues. I see that everyone has something, or faces a struggle of some sort and we all need one another for encouragement... how awesome is it that God places us in one anothers lives to do just that?? Finally, I'm learning to face my struggles head on rather than diverting away from them, thanks to the grace of God that covers me everyday... and yes, every day I remind myself to trust God and His direction. I see that in weakness we are made strong... and recognize how weak we truly are and that we need the strength of God to sustain us, to guide us and to uphold us. I've also been learning about how the Lord gives and takes away... to hold what is given to us loosely, but with care and love. We never know how long we'll have something or someone in our lives so, to love and honor what God has blessed us with, is key! I've also been learning more about what it really means to love God in terms of obedience, denying oneself and taking up our cross to follow Him. Oh life and it's lessons. These are small steps but I'm making progress and it feels sooooo dang dandy!

Love.

Vegas was awesome. Totally what I needed to get away and celebrate such a special occasion in Meghan and Ally's life. I was able to take the focus off my woes and for the first time in awhile be honestly carefree and so elated for my friends! Their wedding was beautiful, as was the dinner afterward (filet mignon... medium, yummm). I have truly never seen Meghan happier and I am so excited for their life together and watching their love grow! I gave a speech... without crying (although damn close) and somehow managed to make the whole room laugh which is always a good sign :) One of my favorite moments the whole Vegas trip was seeing Ally's face as Meghan came down the aisle. That sight was unexplainably precious. If there were an image of what love looks like... it was painted across Ally's his face as he watched his bride walk to become one with him. Ah, I love weddings. I love seeing love and those two definitely have it :)

Strangers.

Remember, as a kid, being taught by your parents not to talk to strangers? I think we pretty much carry that lesson with us thru life, don't we? Unless, that is, we are conducting a transaction of some sort, need directions (men excluded, haha), or perhaps to apologize (ie: run into someone), or to thank someone (holding a door open, etc). Generally speaking, in my experience (which could be biased), people don't really talk much in places like elevators, crossing the street, passing by in a building or sidewalk (other than saying hi maybe), waiting in line (unless to gripe)... or really waiting anywhere (at a restaurant, Dr. office, post office... need I go on?). We might make small talk if forced to be next to someone else, say on an airplane, etc. My point is that it's rare that two random strangers talk... and if they do it's minimal. I don't know if maybe we should more... what do you think??

ANYway... the point of this blog is that there are a few odd birds in the world that step across the little line... that little social norm of not talking to strangers. I encountered one of those today. Yes, on my lunch break. I ordered my food. Figured it's a beautiful day, why not sit outside and get some sun?! Perfect. There was about 3 open tables, score! I proceeded to eat my food when a man came out. He was probably in his mid-thirties, water delivery guy, kinda dorky looking, not my type @ all by any stretch of the imagination... plus he was white (go figure, lol). So yea... he comes out and says how beautiful the day is and I replied yes, it is gorgeous (thinking he was just saying hello in passing). THEN, he asks if he could sit down. I didn't know what to say so I said yes. He continues to talk as I scarf my food down. Compliments me on my dress and my hair. The entire time I'm sitting there praying he doesn't ask for my number. After about 15 minutes I told him I had to get back to work and for him to enjoy his day and God bless. Then we both parted ways. God answered my prayer because he didn't ask me out or anything. I'm pretty sure he knew I wasn't interested tho... plus I saw him looking @ the ring I wear on my left finger. The whole interaction was so peculiar.

So... for any of you who actually read my blogs, I'd like to take a poll and get some opinions on the matter. Have we become creatures of anti-social habit when it comes to talking to strangers? Do you think people should talk with one another more? Would you approach someone and decide to have a full on conversation w/ them knowing you'll probably never see them again (other than @ a bar, lol)?? I serve in a ministry where my job is to talk to people who seem alone and make them feel welcome and loved. That's slightly different though... since they obviously came to a church gathering for a reason and to hopefully meet people and to hopefully come back and get connected ;) I'm just curious to see what other people think on this oh so intriguing topic!

In 9 minutes.

... I'll be off to Vegas! Today has actually been a good day for me so far, emotionally (yessss)! I think the fact that it's Friday and I get to head out to Sin City and forget my woes is part of it :) I also read a great devotional this morning that really helped put things back into perspective for me. Sometimes I just need to re-adjust the lens in which I view life. Once again, I've realize that I do trust what God is doing in my life and it's not for me to figure out and try to understand every detail right now. Nish also helped me, with a comment on my last post, to remember "Love is messy but God has the power and is big enough to fix it.. clean it up". Something to that effect. Probably totally butchered what she said but you get the jist.

Today flew by with a quickness... ooop! Time to go... my 9 minutes is up!

Am what I am [Las Vegas prequel].

Let's just be real... I've been an emotional freak this week (haha... it rhymes. at least I can laugh @ myself)!! I have no idea why I've felt so melancholy, so uneasy... it's probably just part of the process. Can this process just speed up a little... or A LOT? I seriously just want to be over this icky feeling. What's really ironic about this whole thing is that what I want and what I am are so different! I want to be over it (the memories and the hope of us being together w/ peace), I want to stop caring, I want to somehow unlove him, I want these thoughts of him being the one to vanish, I want the indestructible bond that connects us to sever... to the point where I can see all those "pieces of him" that float around in my life on a regular basis and not be swayed, not be sad and frankly, not even care... but then I ask myself... do I, really?? Because what I want isn't going in line w/ what I am. What I am is totally in love w/ him (regardless how much time goes by and whether we're talking or not). If he asked me to marry him right in this moment... I would say YES (not that I would marry him tomorrow mind you--I just know I could marry him...)! Now that's scary. That's uplifting when we're not even talking right now! I ask God all the time to show me where to go and what to do and all the time I am directed back to H. Is God himself the one putting all those pieces of "H" in my world?? Is it my heart that refuses to let go or is it simply not supposed to? Could it be that my hope isn't supposed to vanish?? All I know is that I want to find peace within myself... the turmoil is killing me and robbing the little hope I still have.



Anyway.... that was the tangent of all tangents. Again, applaud for pathetic Sarah, it's hideous isn't it?? I was supposed to be writing about Las Vegas [LOL]! So yes, tomorrow after work I'm driving to VEGAS baby! One of my best friends is getting married! WooHoo! I was not only delighted (and honored) that she invited me to the wedding but then she asked me to be in the wedding as well! I am really, really looking forward to this trip for everything it is and will be. Friday: The drive (which I hope will not be a total traffic nightmare) will be good "me and God" time. Then the girls are going out on the town for Meghan's last night as an unmarried woman which I know will be tons of fun. Saturday: we will be chillin (oooh and maybe I can sleep in a bit) and getting ready for the wedding @ 8pm. I'm supposed to be doing Meghan's make-up which is rad! After the wedding we have a huge dinner/celebration (open bar, sweeet) and then out to a club. Sunday: Drive back to SD in time for church @ 7. I'm so looking forward to just getting away, to clearning my mind and to sharing unforgettable moments in Meghan's life w/ her. I am so excited for her and Ally's journey together... and hey, I can live vicariously thru them, right?? :)

Pathetic me.

I’m just going to warn you now… this post isn’t fun, it isn’t cute and it’s going to be nothing more than sad and pathetic. So, if that doesn’t interest you… kindly exit this entry now.

I woke up this morning feelin’ fine and dandy. Traffic was near non-existent which is fabulous. Work has been pretty normal for the most part. However, for some reason I’ve felt a twinge of sadness, a hint of melancholy and dwindling hope. What really, really bugs about this whole situation I’m about to lay out… is that I am SO incredibly blessed! I have a wonderful family, friends I would die for… who lift me up and encourage me, I have a job (not the one I want per se but it’s still a job which is good enough—for now), I serve in an amazing ministry, have an amazing church and church family, etc. Here’s the kicker… I just found out yesterday that my roommate and I got accepted for the place we applied (2 bedroom/2 bath) in the exact neighborhood we’ve been eying (Mission Hills). The location is sweet… a block off of Washington w/ a sushi place on the corner, coffee shop across the street and 2 grocery stores w/in a block and a half. GOD totally provides! What is there not to love about life right?? Here’s where it’s gonna start to get ugly.

It seems as though no matter what joyous occasions come into my life and how excited I am for what’s to come (and believe me, I AM excited), I still feel this bit of melancholy that I can’t shake. It all stems back to this void in my heart for a certain someone (let’s call him H for the sake of his privacy). It’s as if all this rad stuff is happening yet I don’t have him to share it with. He normally would be one of the first people I’d shared the news with… but instead he’s not there. This spot in my heart reserved for him is vacant and he’s missing out on what’s happening in my world.

It seems as though I have so many things on my plate to think about (other than him) yet at the end of the day, it’s still his face I see, his touch I long for and him who I desire to love and be with. At the end of the day no matter how many cool things are happening in my life… I’m alone.

Can I, for one stinkin’ day, not think of him, not miss him and not have this hole burning through my chest?? Somewhere between October and now, something happened, H reached down into the core of my being and touched me… and from then on I was changed. I’ll never be the same. How did he acquire this special, deep part of me?? And the worst part is, he doesn’t even deserve it... he's not ready for me. I want that part of me back. Damn it… I want it back so bad.

I feel as if any moment now, the tears may collide down my face like a raging river. But no… I hold it together and fake a smile instead. H once told me that if “we’re meant to be” that I’d have more love for him than I can handle… well I’m there and not a damn thing has changed on his end.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I sit here all day and dwell on H. I have been spending lots of time w/ friends and I’ve been busier than ever. I’ve really been trying to focus on what I DO have rather than what I don’t. I’m also comforted by the sheer fact that God is in control. Sometimes I have to re-focus my lens a bit and then I feel better. I definitely have good days and bad… and today is on the challenging side. Breathe Sarah… you’re OK… you’re better than OK.

I pray all the time that God would do incredible things in H’s life… and that he would work in his heart in getting him where God wants him to be. I wish that would happen and H come to the realization that I am his “person”, his “one” and when I get to my cousins after work today… there be a giant bouquet of flowers on the doorstep and a card with a heartfelt handwritten message from H. Then… once I’ve read the card and smelled the flowers… my heart would leap for joy as he approaches and says the words I’ve been longing to hear for so long… ”Baby, at last, I have peace. I love you. I’m here and I’m never leaving.” But instead I’ll get home to an empty house... no cards, no flowers and not even a phone call.

I promise my purpose for this post wasn’t for the world to throw me a pity party. And like I told you, this post is utterly pathetic… as am I! These are just some of my genuine feelings. We all need to vent and say what’s truly on our heart. One day I’ll be able to look back on this and be grateful for the place it brought me to. For now it is what it is... and it sucks.

My One.

I wrote this poem (I guess that's what it would be called) a few days ago. It's about trying to heal from a love that's so real. From something that so should have been.... and should be. I don't even know if this makes ANY sense but it does to me... I guess that's all that matters :) All in all, I'm not really that sad today. However, I still feel like I'm trapped in this place and unsure how to get out. It's like love has reeled me in and captured my soul. The hook is in my mouth and he ("the one" I'm taking about here) pulls me up only to throw me back... over and over. So here goes.

The road to healing is long
But it’s time to begin
Take the pictures off the wall
Erase the still frame of your face from my mind
I hear your laugh
And feel your touch
“You” linger all around me
I watched the love of my life slip away
Sad.

Mad.

Scared.

Doubtful.

Anxious.

Sick.
This pretty, happy, bright face…
Dying, crumbling underneath

I love you as is
I took you for who you are.

So afraid of waking up next to someone I don’t know
Who doesn’t know me
Who bought be a gold marquee diamond ring
Not white or platinum, square cut
He doesn’t know I dance
Or how I love the sound of crickets chirping
He buys me cake for my birthday
When my favorite is coconut crème pie
I’ve settled.

If only I could understand why
The only love that captured my heart
Broke down my walls
And changed my heart
Forever.
Is gone… I’m alone.
No one else will do.
You are my one. The only one for me.

Back to you.

This is just a little something I put together to summarize my current ailment. Certain days are more difficult than others. Today is colored in hues of blue melancholy. The following is definitely not surface level Sarah (refer to "An Onion" for explanation).

No matter what changes… my love remains the same
(growing stronger all the time)
It doesn’t matter if we fast
If we aren’t talking
Or if we are talking
Something consistently brings me back to you
It always comes back to you

The Lord comforts me while we’re apart
He fills me in ways I can’t comprehend
Yet this void in my heart, where you’re supposed to be, remains
The space doesn’t belong to anyone but you
You’re the only shoe that fits, the only key that unlocks

This doesn’t make sense
It doesn’t make sense to be without you
To not step it up; giving this thing everything we have
Everything we are
One day you’ll decide to take me on a hot air balloon
And you’ll see we’re more blessed than we ever thought possible

Oh to remove the cage of fear that suffocates us
Or dissolve the titanium bond that connects us
The air collapses in my lungs
Going numb… Don’t want to grow numb.

Eventful Weekend.

I moved my life and belongings this weekend from 3 years in my apartment to a storage unit and a temporary stay at my cousins house. I have to say, although I'm excited to embark on a journey with new beginnings in San Diego (which is where I've needed and wanted to be for quite awhile), I'm still a bit sad and nostalgic about leaving my place in Escondido. There have been so many memories made in that place. Here's to the nights spent studying and Gilmore girls with Meghan, making scrapbooks for my brother, dinner parties (can't forget the annual Thanksgiving dinners @ my casa), sleepovers, late night talks mixed with giggles, tears and hugs, wine nights with the girls, spa parties, playing hide and seek with Leo (my cat), Lauren ending up in my bed halloween 06, practicing dance in my living room, and chillin... with myself and I.

I'll also miss the breakfast spot on Escondido Blvd and the Shell car wash on El Norte Parkway... they do such a great job and sometimes they'd sell my favorite black/white Arizona tea inside the market. I'll miss Stir Fresh too... the mongolian grill place by school. I can still go there tho... I'll have to visit the school a few more times before I'm completely done with the program.

On the flip side, I will not miss my leaky roof, outlets that don't work, making the left turn into the apartment complex, and the drive down to SD... ewww and Del Dios. I wont miss that road.

I suppose nearly all the things @ my old place can be done in the new place... and even more memories will be made and the old ones will never go away (not to mention the area we're moving will be amazing)! I'm blessed for the time spent living on my own. I've learned a great deal about myself... and did an incredible amount of soul searching these last three years. I've learned how to reflect and value the relationships that have developed since I've moved from Nor Cal. I moved here thinking it would be temporary, maybe 3 years max and then I'd be back in the bay area or somewhere else in Nor Cal. Little did I know SD (and the people, connections and church) would capture my heart and I'll never be the same! I'm staying in SD until God leads me elsewhere. I'm soooo glad I trusted God enough to take a giant leap of faith and move to a place I knew next to nothing about with zero friends or family (except for my cousin Jen). It's turned out to be an experience far better than I could have ever hoped for imagined!

PS: Random info... found my mail/pool keys under the mat.... super creepy. Have NO idea how they got there!