Pathetic me.

I’m just going to warn you now… this post isn’t fun, it isn’t cute and it’s going to be nothing more than sad and pathetic. So, if that doesn’t interest you… kindly exit this entry now.

I woke up this morning feelin’ fine and dandy. Traffic was near non-existent which is fabulous. Work has been pretty normal for the most part. However, for some reason I’ve felt a twinge of sadness, a hint of melancholy and dwindling hope. What really, really bugs about this whole situation I’m about to lay out… is that I am SO incredibly blessed! I have a wonderful family, friends I would die for… who lift me up and encourage me, I have a job (not the one I want per se but it’s still a job which is good enough—for now), I serve in an amazing ministry, have an amazing church and church family, etc. Here’s the kicker… I just found out yesterday that my roommate and I got accepted for the place we applied (2 bedroom/2 bath) in the exact neighborhood we’ve been eying (Mission Hills). The location is sweet… a block off of Washington w/ a sushi place on the corner, coffee shop across the street and 2 grocery stores w/in a block and a half. GOD totally provides! What is there not to love about life right?? Here’s where it’s gonna start to get ugly.

It seems as though no matter what joyous occasions come into my life and how excited I am for what’s to come (and believe me, I AM excited), I still feel this bit of melancholy that I can’t shake. It all stems back to this void in my heart for a certain someone (let’s call him H for the sake of his privacy). It’s as if all this rad stuff is happening yet I don’t have him to share it with. He normally would be one of the first people I’d shared the news with… but instead he’s not there. This spot in my heart reserved for him is vacant and he’s missing out on what’s happening in my world.

It seems as though I have so many things on my plate to think about (other than him) yet at the end of the day, it’s still his face I see, his touch I long for and him who I desire to love and be with. At the end of the day no matter how many cool things are happening in my life… I’m alone.

Can I, for one stinkin’ day, not think of him, not miss him and not have this hole burning through my chest?? Somewhere between October and now, something happened, H reached down into the core of my being and touched me… and from then on I was changed. I’ll never be the same. How did he acquire this special, deep part of me?? And the worst part is, he doesn’t even deserve it... he's not ready for me. I want that part of me back. Damn it… I want it back so bad.

I feel as if any moment now, the tears may collide down my face like a raging river. But no… I hold it together and fake a smile instead. H once told me that if “we’re meant to be” that I’d have more love for him than I can handle… well I’m there and not a damn thing has changed on his end.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I sit here all day and dwell on H. I have been spending lots of time w/ friends and I’ve been busier than ever. I’ve really been trying to focus on what I DO have rather than what I don’t. I’m also comforted by the sheer fact that God is in control. Sometimes I have to re-focus my lens a bit and then I feel better. I definitely have good days and bad… and today is on the challenging side. Breathe Sarah… you’re OK… you’re better than OK.

I pray all the time that God would do incredible things in H’s life… and that he would work in his heart in getting him where God wants him to be. I wish that would happen and H come to the realization that I am his “person”, his “one” and when I get to my cousins after work today… there be a giant bouquet of flowers on the doorstep and a card with a heartfelt handwritten message from H. Then… once I’ve read the card and smelled the flowers… my heart would leap for joy as he approaches and says the words I’ve been longing to hear for so long… ”Baby, at last, I have peace. I love you. I’m here and I’m never leaving.” But instead I’ll get home to an empty house... no cards, no flowers and not even a phone call.

I promise my purpose for this post wasn’t for the world to throw me a pity party. And like I told you, this post is utterly pathetic… as am I! These are just some of my genuine feelings. We all need to vent and say what’s truly on our heart. One day I’ll be able to look back on this and be grateful for the place it brought me to. For now it is what it is... and it sucks.