Am what I am [Las Vegas prequel].

Let's just be real... I've been an emotional freak this week (haha... it rhymes. at least I can laugh @ myself)!! I have no idea why I've felt so melancholy, so uneasy... it's probably just part of the process. Can this process just speed up a little... or A LOT? I seriously just want to be over this icky feeling. What's really ironic about this whole thing is that what I want and what I am are so different! I want to be over it (the memories and the hope of us being together w/ peace), I want to stop caring, I want to somehow unlove him, I want these thoughts of him being the one to vanish, I want the indestructible bond that connects us to sever... to the point where I can see all those "pieces of him" that float around in my life on a regular basis and not be swayed, not be sad and frankly, not even care... but then I ask myself... do I, really?? Because what I want isn't going in line w/ what I am. What I am is totally in love w/ him (regardless how much time goes by and whether we're talking or not). If he asked me to marry him right in this moment... I would say YES (not that I would marry him tomorrow mind you--I just know I could marry him...)! Now that's scary. That's uplifting when we're not even talking right now! I ask God all the time to show me where to go and what to do and all the time I am directed back to H. Is God himself the one putting all those pieces of "H" in my world?? Is it my heart that refuses to let go or is it simply not supposed to? Could it be that my hope isn't supposed to vanish?? All I know is that I want to find peace within myself... the turmoil is killing me and robbing the little hope I still have.



Anyway.... that was the tangent of all tangents. Again, applaud for pathetic Sarah, it's hideous isn't it?? I was supposed to be writing about Las Vegas [LOL]! So yes, tomorrow after work I'm driving to VEGAS baby! One of my best friends is getting married! WooHoo! I was not only delighted (and honored) that she invited me to the wedding but then she asked me to be in the wedding as well! I am really, really looking forward to this trip for everything it is and will be. Friday: The drive (which I hope will not be a total traffic nightmare) will be good "me and God" time. Then the girls are going out on the town for Meghan's last night as an unmarried woman which I know will be tons of fun. Saturday: we will be chillin (oooh and maybe I can sleep in a bit) and getting ready for the wedding @ 8pm. I'm supposed to be doing Meghan's make-up which is rad! After the wedding we have a huge dinner/celebration (open bar, sweeet) and then out to a club. Sunday: Drive back to SD in time for church @ 7. I'm so looking forward to just getting away, to clearning my mind and to sharing unforgettable moments in Meghan's life w/ her. I am so excited for her and Ally's journey together... and hey, I can live vicariously thru them, right?? :)