Walls

Let me just start by saying I have about a 100,000,000 +1 things running thru my mind right now so this post might be a little scattered. Just when I think certain aspects of my life are taking form... something happens and I crumble - once again. Today (and yesterday) I've experienced things that have either made me want to throw my hands in the air, scream @ the top of my lungs and kick something... and then fall to my knees and just cry. Am I a freak? Yes, probably, but at least I'm brave enough to put it out there. Writing is a release for me, it helps to organize my thoughts in a logical way and overtime I can see where I've come, how I've grown and what I've learned. What's the point in going thru struggles or difficult times if we don't take the lesson out of it and move forward? Just like Alicia Keys writes, "Fallin down aint fallin down if you don't cry when you hit the floor... yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned".

So yea... I got to work this morning to find an email from one of my thesis committee members. She basically said I have to re-do an entire section of my thesis. However, in order for me to pay $200 as opposed to $1300 (for the semster), is to successfully defend my thesid by 9/8. This is extremely unlikely given all the revisions this committee member wants me to make. This draft has already gone thru 2 other people - mind you, who were fine w/ it. It took every ounce of strength in my body to NOT have a meltdown right @ my desk.

Can I go just a few days with out an effing bomb dropped on me?? If it's not an "H" issue it's something else. It's discouraging, dishearting and frankly any word beginning with "dis" would suffice! How about my life feels like a friggin "dis"aster?!

I'm starting to see just how thick, long and wide my walls really are. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to let people in and be totally real with where I'm at. I can think of about 3 people who truely know everything I'm going thru right now. The rest of the world thinks my life is peachy... or perhaps they know some of my surface level issues (looking for a different/better job, moving, school ish, finances... blah, blah) but they have no idea about the broken, hurt "me" that dwells under my skin. Maybe this is a problem? I'm not sure. All in all, it's not really everyone's business I suppose. It takes a lot for me to allow people in... and those who actually get in... usually stay there and I have a difficult time letting them go... because I put so much of myself into allowing them to be part of me. And when they hurt me... it gets even tougher to let people in. Obviously I need to start with forgiveness... which isn't easy but so freeing once accomplished. Needless to say, I see where I'm at (which is scary) and I dread the long road to healing that lies ahead.

I'm stuck in a place between being in love with someone, while seeking God regarding the plans He has for me, for him and for US...trying to do all I can to work towards healing in the sense of us moving forward (together) ..... to allowing myself to let go of him completely and soley focus on healing so I can move on. I don't think there's a word in the english language that sums up how I feel and how difficult this is. How pathetic I feel @ times. How doubtful I feel that I'll ever heal in any direction.

I had this picture come across my mind that illustrates where I'm at. When autumn comes, leaves begin to fall from trees to the ground. BUT before the each leaf falls completely to the ground a journey takes place. The leaves are wisked away by the wind, flying, flipping and scattering in various directions. All of those leaves on each of those journeys somehow, eventually, all hit the ground and settle. I'm like a little kid chasing all those leaves flying around sporadically... but are they even worth catching? Will the leaf's journey be so frenzied that by the time I've caught it, it's nothing but a wrinkled up, weathered piece of nothing? Am I those leaves?

I've felt lately that God is asking me how much I trust Him. I do trust Him and I know He is truely the only One I need... and my hope is in Him. I just have to be obedient in His ways. Again, I have to daily remind myself of that truth. I'm such a work in progress and I know that I'll keep making "progress" as long as I'm moving. As long as I'm moving He can steer me in the direction where He wants me to be. I know that God is constantly working and I have to be mindful in paying close attention to the works He's doing in my life. I guess my focus this week is on the Lord and His supernatural healing. No matter which direction I go, or where my life turns, healing has to take place regardless. I can't really go anywhere broken.

... Needless to say, here I am. I'm just me... Sarah Michele, trying to find my way. Trying understand and trying to be the best person I can be.

I really just need a hug ... one of those long ones that lasts... and when it's over knowing I'm loved. That would be enough... for now.