Sentiments.

[Written last night.]

I’m sitting here in my living room in Mission Hills reflecting over the past year. So much has come and gone, expanded and developed, flourished and deteriorated—but through it all I’m still here. Still sitting here. Stilling breathing. And grateful for another day. A lot has been happening in my world recently. Some, I’ll go into detail about, whereas others just briefly mention. First, a quick update. I got laid off from my job 3 weeks ago (and have been career hunting like crazy); I turned in my master’s thesis today and my new roommate moves in tomorrow.

So it’s official. I have completed all requirements for a Master of Arts degree in Experimental Psychology at California State University San Marcos. I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that quite describes the feelings I have.

Part of me feels accomplished. The beast that I couldn’t imagine ever finishing is done. The project I cried about, toiled over, laughed with, screamed at and delighted over is complete. The program—that encompassed thousands of journal articles, papers, lit reviews, presentations, stats, teaching, breakdowns, laughter and some of the best friendships I’ve been blessed to have—is culminated.

Another part of me feels wowed. Wowed that I—the girl who wasn’t supposed to make it, who wasn’t going to amount to anything, who was hopeless, useless and would fail—was able to complete such a task as graduate school. I did it. I’m the first in my entire family to obtain a college education—not to mention, an advanced degree. The girl who dared to make something of herself, swearing she wouldn’t be stuck in Modesto, limited and stunted in her growth. The girl who aimed high—for a better life. The girl who desires desperately to stay humble—who won’t forget her way home and where she came from… is me. I’m Sarah Michele Holmes. That’s me. Everything is still very surreal.

I have to admit that another part of me is apprehensive and anxious. Anxious about what this degree will do for me presently, career wise. I sometimes question the doors the M.A. will open for me. BUT I continue to place my hope, trust and faith in the Lord. Standing on His truth and promises keep me strong and able to move ahead as the world crumbles in the midst. I know the Lord has a specific opportunity where He will use me in mighty ways to reveal His glory and show His love… and His timing is perfect so I’m praying His guidance, purpose and peace rest upon me during this uncertain time of my life.

The last sentiment I’ll share is the feeling of utter gratitude for every single person who has been there for me along the way. For those who supported, encouraged and fought me to keep at it when I desperately wanted to quit. Those who listened to my grumbles, fears, hopes and ambitions; those who laughed and cried with me; those who held my hand, picked me up and said, yes, Sarah, you can do it. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to say I’ve completed a master’s degree because I wouldn’t even be here. I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for every hug, every high five, every uplifting word and for the incredible love of those who dared to believe in me. It means the world to me. YOU mean the world to me. I’m beginning to weep as I reflect on all the people who made this dream happen. My parents, Nick and Scott—my dear friends. You are my inspiration. I love you more than words can possibly begin to articulate.

I’m 27 in two days. 48 hours to be exact… at 11:07PM, December 6, 1981, I was brought out of my mother’s womb. Funny that as I wrote that last sentence I watched the clock turn from 11:06 to 11:07 PM. Hmmm. For some reason, 27 sounds significantly older than 26. Maybe because 27 is officially late twenties and 30 is just around the bend. Then I slightly delve into freak out mode because I’m not to the place I thought I’d be at 27. Growing up, I imagined being in a solid career, married with a child (or the notion of adopting one) at 27; yet here I am. Jobless. Single. And no one’s calling me mommy (thank GOD). So not exactly the plans I’d envisioned when I was a kid but does anything really work out the way we presume?? Not exactly. I do; however, serve an awesome God, have an amazingly wonderful, loving group of friends, family and church family; have health and a sound mind; an education; an apartment within my favorite city in a neighborhood I adore; and modern dance! Not too shabby. A fabulous career and lasting marriage relationship are in the works. For now I’m working at being content and filled by God’s spirit alone and being the best friend, sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter and ministry leader I can be. FYI: remind me to re-read this when I’m feeling discouraged in the realm of relationships. Lord knows I'll need to!

My Bad.

So I haven't gotten around to physically posting the blog detailing what I've learned as of late... but I've sure written A LOT! I have to compile the verbage into something comprehensible. You would probably hate me if you read it as is... cause it really is all over the place. But hey, that's a good sign because I've discovered valuable insight in several spheres of my life... not just the parts I thought needed clarification :) I'm learning more and more about myself, about God and who He is and about my purpose in general. It's been an amazing journey these past 40+ days.

Just as a completely unrelated side note: I freaking LOVE the Mikey Show on 105.3. Does anyone reading listen to him in the AM? I tune in on my way to work sometimes and crack up. I especially like the show--not only because it's hilarious but because he's real (so are the other's on the show) and Mikey's not afraid to share his bibical beliefs in a secular, radio atmosphere. Yet, he still listens to others points of view and never shuns anyone. The radio personalities on the show sometimes don't agree on certain topics--but they don't fight! Sometimes it's nice to have a ginuine, good-intentions debate--if that makes ANY sense. He might make fun of some people, sure. One of my favorites was this girl calling in about not wanting to get married because she wasn't ready to become co-dependent. YIKES! Good luck with that one, girl. How does co-dependency and marriage go hand in hand?! Do we suddenly lose our sense of self when we marry? That's a wharped view of marriage, I'll say!

Ok, ok. I gotta pack up and get gone! TGIF! BTW: stay tuned for the blog I've been talking about... it is coming--really, I swear!

Remnant.

Throughout the past month, and expecially the last three weeks or so, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the Lord reflecting on my life and what's really important. Friends, I can't even begin to explain to you how much He's shown me about myself, about Him and His amazingly, boundless love and about life in general. He's shown me my heart... including the aspects of it I tried to keep hidden and buried under the false premise of "having it all figured out"... it's been humbling to say the least. I've realized, again, that it's not all about ME! He's also covered me with peace that is so beyond my own comprehension. I promise, next week, to write a blog detailing what I've learned.

Just to give a snipet of good news, last night @ Remnant (a part of the young adult ministry @ the Rock church, that I have the privledge and honor to serve on the leadership team with) I was talking to Bobby, our pastor and he told he he'd like to put me as the "go-to" leader for all the new females joining the Remnant leadership team. I would basically contact them and tell them all about the ministry, explain how it works, go over our policies for Rock leadership and just overall love on them and find out where they are spiritually, pray for them and discuss their spiritual gifts in order to get them plugged into the appropriate team for Remnant. How AMAZING is that?! I think of this as another opportunity to step it up and be closer to where God wants me to be. This is a promotion in God's kingdom. Being part of the Remnant leadership has been such a blessing and I get teary eyed just thinking of how far it's come, how much it's growing and how much it's making an impact on the young, hurting, broken people who come... and building all of us up to the people God has called us to be. Anyway, Bobby and I are supposed to meet next week sometime so he can give me the run down on my new responsibilities. God truly, truly uses us in our weakness... the blog is coming where I put all the pieces together. I can now see how the things I'm learning (about being real with where I'm @, lifting people up, being humble, etc) relate to the plans God has for me... because He was preparing me for this leadership role that He knew was just around the bend... so others could see His love through my imperfections. Praise God!

Autumn.

It definitely has to be my favorite season. Don't get me wrong, I do LOVE summer and sunshine, but there is something refreshing about fall. It takes me back to when I was a kid and my dad used to make fires in our fireplace and my brother and I would sit in the living room watching Unsolved Mysteries with pillows to cover our eyes when it got too scary. This time of year reminds me of Modesto when all the leaves on the tress change to bold reds, oranges, greens and yellows. It's beautiful there in autumn. Side note: have I mentioned that Modesto's nickname is "the city of trees"? Ah yes. There are more trees in the city than people and the population is well over 200,000 now. And when there are that many trees... guess how many leaves are on the ground?! Tons! My parents driveway literally gets covered by a foot and half of leaves -- easy! Then these ginormous mounds of leaves are everywhere after people rake and my dad used to drive ol' brown (his dark brown, longbed chevy truck) through them and we would think it was the coolest thing ever. I'd walk in zig zags during autumn stepping on all the dried leaves just to feel them crunch under my feet. Ha... I actually caught myself doing that today as I took the mail up the street for work. Here I am, 26 years old, in my dress and high heels jumping on the dried leaves. I love it. Life can't be so serious all the time, right? I can't help but recall the days where stepping on leaves, running thru puddles and making homemade chocolate chip cookies was "enough". Does anyone else agree?? At what point did life get so staccato and complicated? Today, I am taking the time to honestly appreciate the little things because in all actuality those are the things that mean the most!

You know what I've always wanted to do?! Go to NYC during autumn and run thru the piles of leaves in central park. That would be rad :)

We don't have nearly enough leaves that turn colors and fall from their limbs here in San Diego. Oooh well... we've got the beach so it all equals out I suppose :) We can't have it ALL can we?

My Revelation: Daring to Move.

FYI: This post comes straight from my heart and I hope you get something out of it. Feel free to leave comments!! It would be encouraging to know someone is reading and possibly relates in some fashion to what I’m saying. Bear with me... this one's looong but well worth the read :)

How is it that one area of our life can cast a shadow over all the others? I’ve never quite understood this phenomenon and it’s something I’ve been dealing with, basically all of 2008. I don’t quite know if this is something I’m “struggling with” or if this is a tool, used by God to show me certain things about myself, about people, about Him and about life in general. I get an overwhelming sensation that everything I’ve been going through this past year has not been by mistake or by fluke and it all has a unique place in God’s plan. “How do you really know this, Sarah??” you might be asking. The answer is that I don’t—really. All I know is that I talk to God and seek His face—aspiring to become more like Christ—selfless instead of selfish; seeking to know more of the Lord’s truth and to view life through His lens and not the worlds; seeking His direction and His will for my life. And thru it all I’m secure that this is where He wants me to be, that He’s working in me and intercedes on my behalf… and He’s doing big things in my life in preparation for His will that lies ahead. I know all of this has a purpose and that the Holy Spirit is always with me… from typical day-to-day activities to the days where I am at my wits end in a pit of darkness... I'm never alone.


I just have to say it, again, that I am utterly perplexed by the situation I’m in. I don’t really want to get into a lot of detail about it… partially because I don’t think there are words in the English language that quite describe what’s going on nor sum up the way I feel inside. All I’m going to say is that being in love is ultimately one of the hardest things to grasp… especially loving the way God has called us to love. I’m learning that love is not at all like the cookie cutter, happily-ever-after media displays. I’m learning what true, real, pure love is all about. It breaks you down, lifts you up while making you better. It’s patient, endures and perseveres through the calm and the storm. It is selfless and honors the other person above ourselves. It forgives and is humble. The list goes on. The true definition of love is Christ’s love for us and the instructions for how to love is by emulating Christ’s love to others.

The breakthrough I pointed out in the previous blog has to do with what I’ve been saying in this post. To get into more specifics, there is so much I’ve learned and realized recently. Some of this may come as a shock to anyone who actually reads my blog because I do get pretty personal and share a lot of my inner thoughts, issues and conflicts. I am much more expressive in writing than in person (except for my best friends… and some family, of course). Anyway, first off, I see my imperfections and have been humbled. I am beginning to see just how closed off I’ve become, as such I’ve realized that I have a major problem with pretending that I have it all together… and my pride/embarrassment/shame won’t allow me to ask certain people for prayer in the exact area of my life that I desperately need it… relationships! I don’t want people to know I’m struggling… what if they think I’m pathetic, what if they think less of me?... However; I think this is the exact point God wanted me to get to so I would recognize my own need for others! We aren’t meant to handle certain things alone… when did I suddenly get “too good” to admit I need prayer and help?! This is a stronghold that must be released immediately by allowing myself to be truly vulnerable to the people God has placed in my life! In the same breath, obviously—sometimes I get so caught up in me and the issues/struggles I’m facing that I fail to notice the struggling souls all around me who need encouragement, to be lifted up and prayed for as well. I’ve decided to change this. I have to be real with the girls in my bible study (all of whom I can trust) with where I’m at and that I need them. I also have to confess to people that I’ve been selfish in looking at my own life instead of picking them up when they’ve needed me. So… how am I exactly going to do this?? Here are some of my goals.

• Continue to exhort forgiveness (I know exactly who and what this means…)
• Make people better around me by allowing God’s love to shine through me by going above and beyond for somebody everyday—by whatever means God shows me.
• Be obedient to what God is calling me to do.
• Start my day slowly, on my knees in prayer, asking for help and praying for others.
• Increase the level of my prayer life in general.
• Read the Word daily.
• Keep a daily journal… which tracks my progress and shows the work God is doing in my life.
• Move from looking @ my circumstances to believing in God’s mighty power to do the unthinkable.
• Compile excerpts of what I’ve written into a cohesive poem-like format… then read it aloud publicly. Either at bible study, an open mic or another similar setting.
• Praise God in everything.
• Possess the knowledge that these goals and the process of growth are NOT easy! All of this is exceptionally trying and, not if, but when I feel like giving up it’s vital to press on and call upon people for help.

I’m a foot way from the wall that’s held me up for so, so long. What I mean by this is the sheer fact that I'm metaphorically running to the Lord (and no one else) to escape from myself while FORGING AHEAD to what He has for me while also trusting in the healing that’s taking place and has been taking place. I’m no longer anxiously looking about for something or someone (shopping, random men, alcohol, etc) to fill the void God has purposely placed in my heart for what He wants to fill it with! God defines who I am—not the tension between how it is and how it could be; or whether I’m single or in a relationship. I am in awe as I look back at how far God has brought me. I've grown tremendously spiritually and my heart transformed before my very eyes. I just praise the Lord for all He’s done and is doing… while knowing that further growth is enevitable… forever. I’ll never reach the peak where I’ve got it all figured out and everything makes sense… I’ll always need God and continually mature in the spirit of truth.

So there you have it. That’s my breakthrough. This is me… the good, bad and the ugly. I have a long way to go… but as I’ve always said… we’re all works in progress. I’ll leave you with these verses in Philippians 3:7-9, 12-14.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith… Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Boy oh boy... you ready for this one?

It’s been a minute since I've posted my usual twice-weekly (or more) blog. I have so much to write about that I kinda don't know where to start! I went to Florida last week with my family for a surprise visit to my youngest brother. The trip was awesome. EXACTLY what I needed. Spending time with my family hit the spot. A blog is coming soon about the trip and our crazy family times. Sometimes I forget how goofy when we’re all together :)

So yes... I have several things to write about - which will occur in a sequence of blogs. My blogs are pretty long as is - so I felt the need to write in sections :) Just to give some highlights as to what's to come:

Florida
This current week (October 15, 2005 and all it entails)
Some goals I'm actively striving for
Re-evaluation of where I’m at (moving an inch, is still progress!)
Remnant leadership

I’d like to start with my week and go from there! Bear with me… I have a lot to put forth and I apologize now if it comes out as a huge blob of random thoughts – I’ll do my best to stay cohesive.

This week has had its challenges, its sadness, its loneliness and its share of emptiness – however, I’ve also found hope and peace that transcends my comprehension and a renewed spirit. I think I may be getting somewhere; it’s as if I’ve experienced a breakthrough!

Beginning. The week started fine – I was surprisingly ready to come back to work after the week off in Florida. I knew for awhile that this week would be challenging and I’d have my sad moments. You see, October 15th, marks a sad day for me, my family and a lot of people I know. Three years ago on October 15th my brother Nick went with a group of his best friends to Rosarito, Mexico for a night of partying and fun. I was invited to come along but it didn’t end up working out. I talked to Nick just before they crossed the border and told him to CALL me once they arrived back in the states – so I knew they were all ok and safe. I, then, proceeded to go out with my friend Meghan and on my way to pick her up it started to pour down rain to the point of turning my windshield wipers on full blast and having to slow down to practically nothing. I got chills up my spine and thought of my brother and friends and prayed they were ok. Later on, around 1 AM I got the phone call. The dreaded phone call. It was Juan’s brother struggling to tell me Nick and the others had been in a horrific accident and Nick was ok…. But Patrick (one of Nick's best friends didn’t make it - and our friend Tamara was in critical condition - ended up being paralyzed). I could NOT, for the life of me, believe what was just said. All I remember saying was oh my God, oh my God about 100 times as he explained to me what had happened. He said, “They need for you to pick them up. Can you meet them at the border?”. Luckily Meghan was with me, because I was literally paralyzed by what had just been revealed to me. Patrick is GONE? My brother had to see his best friend die? He held him until the asshole paramedics (yes, they were absolute jerks) arrived and then had to leave him there. I remember the drive down the 5 that felt like ages, I remember the guilt I felt for not having been successful in my endeavors to stop them from going in the first place… a million what-if’s clouded my mind… what if I would have went… would this have even happened?? Why did this have to happen? I remember feeling as if I were screaming with no lungs. I remember thanking God that my brother was still here. I remember wanting to hug him and never, ever let go. I remember their faces when I picked them up and the tears that flowed as I hugged each of them and having absolutely no words to say that expressed how sorry I was. The days that followed were consumed by tears and just being with my brother and hugging and crying with him. The pain he felt tore me to pieces because growing up, I was always able to console him and somehow make it better. But now, there was nothing of the sort possible. There were no words, no actions, nothing I could do to stop his pain and bring Patrick back – nothing. The atrocities of October 15, 2005 have been single-handedly the most difficult times I’ve gone through so far in this life. Partially because of all the loss, who Patrick was, Tamara being paralyzed, but the crux of it all was seeing my brother in the worst pain of his life, mourning for his best friend and having no control in making him better… besides being there and experiencing it with him – every step of the way. The accident taught me a great deal about life and that we are NEVER promised another day, another moment other than the one were in right now. Every day, every opportunity and every person in our lives is a gift. October 15th, 2005, has changed my life and re-shaped the way I live and given me a drastically different perspective. Normally, I hit a wall on the week of October 15th (and sometimes the entire month of October). This year’s anniversary proved to be difficult – which is to be expected but I have experienced God’s incredible peace and love which has made all the difference.

So with all of this being said, the beginning of the week was as good as can be expected – actually better than expected. I was doing really well… I felt refreshed after the Florida trip. My days at work were fine and I’d be fine… up until I lay down to go to bed. Once my face hit the pillow- it would all hit me – the anniversary of the accident, my brother, the dog, missing H, being lonely and I’d start bawling... just sobbing basically until I fell asleep. This happened three nights in a row. Finally, by Wednesday (which was the 15th) I woke up and got on my knees, first thing, and prayed to God for His strength for everyone affected by the accident. I began to call out their names, praying for each person individually. I asked for the Lords peace and comfort and what you know? It happened! Of course I thought about my brother a lot and Pat and the person he was but I also felt this incredible peace from the Lord. It was as if He was reassuring me that He’s been there with me from the beginning – the very beginning, before my very existence. He knows what I need before I need it or even realize that I need it… and no matter how many stupid things I do and how undeserving I am of His love, He loves me. That is such a comfort for me.

Needless to say, from the 15th up until now, the peace I’ve felt still remains! Praise God. Every time October 15th rolls around I re-visit the progress I’m making and ask myself, “Am I happy with the person I am today?” This is where the breakthrough I mentioned earlier starts to take form. It may be small… but even an inch is progress and can be significant! More to come soon…

Beach Cruisers & Mission Hills :)

My roommie and I both got beach cruisers! It was so cool the way it worked out. To make a semi-long story short... we left the house to look at a bike for her and ended up not buying that particular one but two other ones in PB and Bay Park for me and her... and stuffing both of them into the back of her Jetta! We got them for 40 bucks each! Sweet deal right?! For beach cruisers that's pretty good. Mine is light blue and hers is light purple. So far, we've cruised around all over Hillcrest mainly but a little of Mission Hills and University Heights as well. It's soooo much fun! The weather is gorgeous and I love our neighborhood. We passed by so many cool shops and restaurants, of course. Lots of home home & decor stores and vintage clothing stores too. We found this one vintage clothing store in University Heights that had some cool stuff. Name brands and all for all of us label girls. Well... I'm only a label girl when it comes to certain things -or clothes it's mainly for jeans. We couldn't stop @ every place we wanted cause we don't have locks yet. A lock and basket are in definite order a-sap. My booty still needs to adjust to the bike seat tho... I still get a little sore :)

Oh Mission Hills, how I love thee. I know I'm a nerd... but I seriously LOVE where I live. I love the fact that I can ride my bike around, that I can take my laptop a short distance to numerous coffee shops and get free wi-fi, I love all the local restaurants, I love how centrally located it is too... that I can easily access the 5 and 163. It's close to Balboa Park :) And the Rock :) :) (that's an extra BIG smiley face, FYI). I'm sooo glad to be living "uptown" and not in suburbia anymore! (Well... not that Esco was suburbia, really - ha, maybe a slightly more ghetto version of suburbia! It was just too residential for me.) I love our balcony and the lovely breeze our apartment gets. Leo's extra happy to be able to venture outside too! I love the fact that Sushi Deli is in my backyard and that there's a yogurt place down the street. AND that there are grocery stores galore within walking and biking distance.

Thank you LORD for hooking us up with such a RAD location to live. See kiddos - this is what happens when you allow GOD control and ask Him to place you where He wants you to be. It'll always be to our benefit! I'll leave you with one of my all-time favorite verses: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

NorCal [in all it's glory].

I'm back from my quick trip to NorCal. There were plenty of tears shed along with laughter, smiles and fond memories shared of Sherri and Bootsie. It was awesome to be in the company of my family. I got to see some of my cousins whom I haven't seen in awhile and they all seem to be doing great. One of the funny things about my extended family - when I haven't seen them in awhile - is that they always ask me if I'm married yet. I just laugh and assure them that if I were to be engaged, even, they would know... and they'd be invited to the wedding. Duh. It's as if my family thinks I'm going to elope or something without telling anyone. I find this quite amusing - considering I've always dreamth to have a mid to big sized wedding. Then they proceed to tell me... "We gotta find a man for Sarah. She's so beautiful, smart, blah blah... why doesn't she have a man? Why isn't she married? Oooh she's gonna be next to get married!" I just chuckle and say... "Really, guys, I'm okay. When God wants me to be married, I will".

There is a small piece of me that asks the same questions tho... about marriage. Mmmm... oh well. I trust God. That's all there is to it. I want me to marry the person He has for me... that way I'll know we'll be blessed!

There is always something about being home that feels so comforting and natural. Modesto, and NorCal in general, will always be home to me. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll ever move back, nor do I want to... it's just home. Other than my family (which is a given) there are a few other things I miss about home. Some of these include:

The trees - especially in autumn when the leaves change colors
The Orchards
The smell of being in the country (not cattle - mind you, I know what you're thinking!)
Familiarity of places and streets
Cheaper gas prices!
The Yogurt Mill
The Chicken Barn (they have the best chicken and spuds - how many of you actually know what spuds are??)
The River
Saying amons' (instead of aLmonds) and it's all good! Nobody laughs cause they say it that way too!

I'm sure there's more to the list but I'll stop for now. Good ol MoTown. This weekend sure brought back memories... lots of them! Makes me realize, again, where I come from and the fact that I'm a little country, a tad ghetto, definitely a Holmes and always classy :)

Heavy Heart.

I got another difficult phone call last night. My Mom called me sobbing on the other end of the line... I could barely make out the words "Boot's was hit by a car... he's gone". Boots is my brothers dog... our baby. Our 9 month old pit/lab baby. You might think I sound silly but animals do become part of the family and they take part of our hearts when they leave this world. I woke up this morning with Boots on my mind... and the knowledge that he is gone became real. I've felt like falling apart all day today. Seeing him was something I was sooo looking forward to after driving the 7 hours home tonight. Nick is sad... a wreck... he feels like it's his fault.

H was with me when I got the news. We were eating @ City Deli and as soon as we got back to my place I completely lost it. The heaviness of all that has been lost really hit me (my aunt Sherri's death, Boot's being gone and the anniversary of Patrick's passing) ... and it continues to do so. I just stood there and sobbed, my head against his chest and his arms around me. We stood there embraced for a good few minutes. He got me tissue and hugged me... it felt freeing to be able to cry, not say a word, and have that be okay. I'm glad H was there. God knew I needed him there @ that precise moment. He told me he wished he could take the pain away and all I could say was him being there was enough.

Have you ever had that sensation where catching your breath is exigent? ... When practically every breath is difficult and you just don't know what to do?! Have you ever felt as if you were screaming but no sound emits? Have you ever had a dark, dreary, cloud of gloom encompass your world? Have you ever wanted to fall asleep and not wake up until the pain dulls? Have you ever felt as through you walk around all day with watery eyes and "that lump" in the back of your throat and it takes nearly every bit of life still within you not to fall to pieces? Is it okay to just be sad, be gloomy, be upset, grieve, weep and not have to smile, not have to laugh and not have to pretend that everything is okay....?? Because sometimes it's not okay!! Frankly, right now I'm "ok" but I'm not okay... I'm just not, if that makes any sense to you. Truthfully, I can't wait to be off work so I can get in my car and allow myself to let go... release all the saddness and grief that's been building throughout the day in the form of tears and loud sobbing.

Man... life is hard. I thank God that it is by His strength that I am able stand here today... not mine. I'm amazed at how He sustains me through my pain. Through the storms of this life I will not cease to worship and praise Him... for He is worthy.

Bittersweet passing.

How do I begin this post? I found out that my aunt, who has suffered for years with MS, went to be with the Lord last night. Her passing is bittersweet... bitter because she'll be missed by so many, including her son and two daughters. And sweet because her suffering is over, the chains are broken and she is free in heaven with her Lord. Death is so much more bearable when the person knows Jesus. I'll be making the trek up to NorCal on Thursday night. The funeral is on Friday in Woodland which is about 30 minutes past Sac Town. I'll be on the road a lot this weekend. I would have flown but airfare is outrageous! I will be nice to be home tho... even if it is only for a couple days.

Hmmm... one of my favorite memories of Sherri (my aunt) is that we shared the love of Dr. Pepper! Only difference is that she loved when it went flat... ick! I never understood it but that's how she liked it :) She also made the best sugar cookies known to man!

My aunts death coupled with the anniversary of Patrick's death (my brother's best friend who I'll explain in an upcoming blog) is heavy... I'm not going to lie. October 15th marks the tragic accident that killed Patrick and left his girlfriend Tamara paralyzed (my brother was in the accident too). This year marks 3 years. When October rolls around and especially when the weather changes it's like a grey film covers me. It's kinda like the marine layer that rolls in... first covering the beach regions and slowly moving to the inland extremities until the entire county is encased. It's not everyday... just depends. That's me in October, I get this thin layer of gloom that rests over me. And to be completely honest, some days are really hard and I get really sad... and somedays I'm okay. Although things can get gloomy for me leading up to October and thru the month, I still feel God's overwhelming peace and love. I can feel Him close to my spirit, guiding and protecting me. I give Him praise for who His is and for never leaving my side.

Times such as these are reminders to appreciate life and all that's given to us including the people we love! I am so blessed and grateful for God and the people He's placed in my life. The people who have prayed for me and my family... the people I pray for. The ones who are just there to listen... or to offer words of encouragement. Life is so incredibly precious and time on earth is not endless. Sometimes it's good to be reminded of that truth so we walk everyday with the understanding that the people we love know it.

Man...

I am spent today. I get so amped for Friday's that I forget how difficult they are @ my work (everyone calls about their escrows on Friday it seems). It's kinda like how women forget the pain of labor the moment they see their newborn... and thus end up giving birth to more children. I have NO idea if this made sense to you. Sorry, I'm a bit loopy right now, but I kid you not - my day got ridiculously hectic after lunch. I'm just like dayyyum people, go home, quit calling, start your dang weekend! It's mainly the agents and bank owned properties that are asinine. I like that word - asinine.

I really, really want to just drive home after work, put on a Grey's Anatomy DVD and veg out BUT I'm going to be a good roommate and go chill @ Oceanside Harbor for her birthday - for a bit. This is partially what I miss about living alone! No one to account for other than me. If I feel like going stright to the couch and not talk to another human being, it was my perogative - not so much anymore. I just feel so mentally exhausted and my neck/shoulders are killing me. I think I need an advil.... a-sap. A hug would be nice too. I could use one of those. Have you ever just wanted to lay there.... somewhere... and have the world stop spinning just for a moment? So you can just be. So you can stop long enough to catch your breath and replace the air in your lungs that the world so savagely sucks out of you? I know I do.

So... I've compiled a brief list of things to accomplish this weekend or by early next week. Just so I can breathe easier and not feel so much weight on my chest.

• Get some revisions done on my thesis. Make histograms of normality violations on SPSS to include in the thesis.
• Get the Remnant myspace page up to par. Yea... that means changing the background and adding peoples pics and just all around beefing it up.
• Finish unpacking the majority of the boxes in my bedroom!
• Spray paint some shelves in my room
• Figure out how to disguise the ugliness of the brown paneling that covers a portion of our wall in the hallway/living room area. Home decor ideas?! Please advise!
• Get my hair done.... sweeeetness! Color and cut. Time for a change.

Well... time to get outta here and head up to the harbor. TGIF!!!!!!!!!!

Pride-shmide.

I have just stumbled across an extrememly sobering truth today. I'm beginning to make sense of whole male conundrum I've been dealing with as of late. I may have figured out part of the problem... it's as if I've been enlightened by God Himself! I couldn't keep this enlightening experience to myself!

The world has an ego problem. Pride is something that has become so ordinary and so prevalent that sometimes we don't even see it. BUT it's killing us! Pride could very well be the single-most deadly venom - poisoning relationships. The end! Haha... I kid I kid. We have become people that are all about ourselves. WE ask the question, what can he/she do for me? What will I get out of this transaction? What's in it for me? Me, me, me. Do you see it?? It's all around us! What would the world look like if we asked ourselves how we can be a blessing to others? What if we questioned how we could give to another instead of wrestling with what we can get? What about if we just stopped for a moment to think about someone else other than ourself? How about if we honored others above ourselves?? Hmmm... what a novel concept.

Friends... I'm sorry to say it but pride is probably the solitary thing keeping many of us from what we really want in life. It most definitely separates us from God. A devotion I read this morning said something so impactful. It read, "Pride will hold us back from laying down our expectations and rights in order to reach out to those who cross our path. Pride will slowly erode the humble spirit God so wants to see in His people and in their relationships." That is the crux of this englightening experience!! It is PRIDE that keeps us holding onto all those petty expectations that end up destroying relationships. Can't we learn to let things go for the people that come across our path? Why does it always have to be all about us and how we feel and what we're going thru? A good dose of humility would cure many failing marriages, broken family relationships and struggling friendships. I can't stress enough that if we layed some of that prideful baggage down, our load would be a whole lot lighter, the picture would be clearer and we could impact lives in incredible ways!! HOWEVER, if our minds are so cluttered with thoughts of ourselves... how will there ever be room for someone else? How will there even be room for God who should be first above all else??

I can feel my heart being transformed. I've experienced that God's ways are not the world's ways. As written in the devotion today, in God’s economy of life in order to be strong we must choose weakness and in order to be first we must be content with last. This may seem odd to some but, friends, I can't tell you how freeing it is to just allow God to be God of your life. Nope, it's not easy but His love and His peace transcends our understanding. And remember, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

I am so thankful this truth was revealed to me today. I hope you are too :)

Asexual.

So I finally made it out to the HardRock Hotel downtown this past Saturday night. I was fun. Classy. Chic. We couldn't go to the roof which was a bummer but oh well. I had fun with our little crew but I couldn't help but notice all that surrounded me in that place. Sometimes going out is fun but other times it's not. Sometimes it's scary to see who's out there and makes me feel like crap and totally disgusted by the time I drive home. I encountered so many dogs. Losers. Jerks! Men. Whatever you want to call them. Bitter? Maybe. Jaded? A little. Fed up? Definitely yes. Honestly, being currently single - yet hopeful that marriage does exist somewhere in my future - is a scary, scary place to be in right now. Why, might you ask? Because the pool of imbeciles that were out @ the Hard Rock on Saturday are a portion of the available men I have to chose from. Yes, they're only a portion so I guess there's a little hope... AND don't get me wrong I wouldn't dare date nor do I go looking to meet men @ bars or clubs. That's off limits for me. I'd much rather be alone and honoring God than be with some douchebag who could really give an eff. BUT I'm still left with the burning question.... are there ANY good men in the world? Are there any wonderful, God honoring, respectful men in the world?? I don't want luke warm anymore. I want someone who wants to go the distance, who wants to care, who desires to go above and beyond... with me.

I guess my point is that there's got to be more in the realm of relationships than this... more than what I saw Saturday. It's ugly. Daunting. I don't have the energy for it - nor do I want to have the energy! Can't I just be asexual?! According to Wikipedia, an asexual being does not feel sexual attraction, period. Wouldn't that be nice? To not care about being intimate with another human-being? I'm stuck because I don't want to settle, yet I refuse to give any part of me away to some a-hole. Maybe I'm closed off - but can you honestly blame me?? And if I'm wrong and being unreasonable please tell me! Put me in my place!

I know I put H on a pedestal. I've realized that recently. He is a 100 times better than most of the guys out there though. It may sound ridicuolus but it's true! I love him. I love him today, I'll love him tomorrow and I always will. Do I wish I could stop? Yes. Suddenly not care? Yes. Did I take a huge risk allowing him into my heart? Yes. I know there are guys out there even better than him, that blow him away. Where are they? What would I do if I encountered one? Someone with style, that's cute, classy, loves the Lord above all else, walks upright, is cultured, sophisticated, educated... and oooh... who is [magical word] ready for me.

Anyway.... so this post was a bit of a vent fest. Sorry. This is what blogging is all about tho. I get it out of my system, free my mind and move on. This whole "thing" is a process. I'm making small steps to healing, forgiveness and allowing the Lord to be God of my life, believe it or not. At the end of the day, I have hopes, dreams and improvements I'd like to make. Thru it all, I'm okay. I'm growing in the spirit of truth and getting closer to where God wants me to be!

Reflections.

It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since the September 11th attacks. I remember that day so precisely. I remember being woken up by Nick (my big little brother) shouting at the TV, "They hit another tower!!" The rest of the day was spent glued to live broadcasts of msnbc online while working at Modesto Junior College. I remember answering the endless phone calls, "Classes are still in session, thank you for calling Modesto Junior College". 90% of the calls questioned if campus was still open. It seemed odd that the university systems were all closed but community colleges remained open. I remember the eerie feeling that day... and for the days to come. I remember the strangeness of not seeing or hearing even one airplane fly in the sky after flights nationwide were grounded. I remember sitting in front of my parents house in total disbelief of what had occured earlier in the day... that thousands of people lost their lives, hundreds were missing and God only knew how many were injured physically and psychologically. Millions of people were affected and are affected.

A day that started so typical - ended so dramatically devastating and different for nearly every person in our nation. Even those who were not directly affected by either knowing a person who perished, or was injured, a firefigher, rescue worker at ground zero, etc... we were all left shooken and disillusioned. I know that I look at life different and I honor the 9/11 heroes. I know that I'll never forget.

As I looked for September 11th images I came across this. It literally gave me some of the most intense chills I've EVER had. This puts September 11th into perspective. This picture bothers me beyond belief! As it should. Gods word says to break our hearts for what breaks the heart of God. THIS image breaks the heart of God - and it breaks mine as well.

Lets push our feelings, politics, and skepticism aside today and honor and pray for those affected by 9/11. Personally, I'd like to thank our military - past and present, for protecting us and fighting for our freedom that so many of us take for granted. Thank you to every airman, soldier, marine and sailor for serving our country. I especially want to thank one favorite airman in particular, Scott Michael Holmes, my baby brother who serves in the United States Air Force. I love you Scotty!! You will always have my full support... and I admire you more than you know.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 - Let us never forget.

Home sweet home.

So I realized today that I haven't yet blogged about my new place! My thesis kept me buried in Word, SPSS and PowerPoint for a time - but now that it's successfully defended, I have a little more room to breathe!

My roommate and I officially moved into our new home in the lovely neighborhood of Mission Hills on September 1st. I just have to say... the big move would not have happened without the help of the Remnant guys. Remnant is the ministry I'm in leadership with @ the Rock. These guys are amazing and have hearts of gold!! No doubt I saw God's love in each of them as they volunteered a big chunk of their day off (and a holiday @ that) to help me... little ol me... move. There were 9 of us total moving that day. Big ups to Luisa too... she rocks! God is so good! The way he provides and places people into our lives that fulfill such specific purposes never ceases to amaze me.

Ahhh yes, I'm still very much in the unpacking stage. The living room has taken form and my room is actually coming together - slowely but surely. My mom and I walked around, Saturday night, down Washington, University and 5th Ave areas and WOW! So many restaurants to try! I don't know how I'll ever find the time or money to go to all of them but I'll make my best effort! I'm super excited to live in an area whereI can walk around. Getting a bike is next on my list after finishing school and getting a better job (making more scrilla). Then a new bed... a queen comfy one!

Another post is coming soon. It's more about the selfishness issue I was talking about in my previous post. I've had more time to think... which means more to write! Ideally I'd like to get some of your opinions on the matter - so be on the lookout.

Thesis Defense: Check!

I accomplished a major milestone in my life yesterday. I successfully defended my Master's thesis! It still feels surreal. It went really well. The words came so freely during the presentation and I was able to answer my committee's daunting questions with ease (which was the scariest part of the whole defense). It was totally God! I have a few revisions to make before it's signed, sealed and delivered to be bound and finished - BUT the most challenging, stressful aspects of my thesis are behind me. Behind me... wow, that feels strange to say.

Yesterday was good. My mom and friend/sister Risa came to watch my defense. It was awesome seeing them in the audience, knowing I had their full support. We went to lunch @ one of my favorite Japanese restaurants. I also finally had the opportunity to run some "extremely put off" errands. One of them was getting my filthy car washed & vacuumed. I heart the shell carwash on El Norte in ESco btw--that's probably one of two things I actually miss there! Inside the mini mart they had my favorite.... Arizona Black & White tea! Yummm... that stuff is delicious! Kicking bootay on my thesis defense, spending time with two of my favorite people in the world, eating yummy food, getting some ish done and drinking Black & White tea... it couldn't have gotten much better :) I even ended my day watching a bit of football and going to bed @ a decent hour... slept well. Better than I have in awhile.

Today, on the other hand, has been quite the challenge. I've come to the realization that certain people in my life... whom I absolutely love and adore, are totally and completely selfish. You know, the ones who are all about themselves and nobody else. Me, me, me people... ya you know those types, I'm sure you have one or two in your own life. Lets just hope anyone reading is not one of those people. If you are, I hope you get something out of my blog that brings you to this realization.... and you stop this behavior immediately! Man... I tell you. What a way to rain on someone's parade! I know I shouldn't let them get to me but it's extremely difficuolt when I love them as much as I do. It's always more painful when someone hurts us that we love. The point of all of this, that we can all take and walk away with, is to just keep your lips sealed if you feel words lurking out that tear down rather than build up... discourage rather than encourage. You might save someone a lot of heartache!! Take the high road. The long and short of this... is that I should be feeling accomplished, enthused and carefree (which I do) but part of me also feels depleated and disrespected. I'm sure I'll write more of this "issue" tomorrow but for now I have to go.

I am SOOO ready for dance class tonight. I'm desperate for the hardwood floor that allows me to move freely without care or concern, without worry of someone, or anything. I am grateful for modern dance... and for the three hours that my mind can be still tonight.

Peace... at last.

God must have known how much I needed that hug yesterday... because last night I got - from the exact person He knew I needed it from. Yep, you guessed it, from "H"! We had a good talk last night that reiterated many things and got us both on the same page, again, in knowing where we're both @. I got to tell him all that was on my heart and it felt so awesome to lay it all down and know that I said all I had to say. He told me that no matter what happens, I'm amazing to him, he loves me and I have no idea the impact I've made on his life. Wow! That fact alone is amazing - I've managed to make a difference in someone else's life, I've made someone else better - that's why I'm here, that's why I exist... and isn't that what love is all about?! If nothing else - that's something! If one of us were to take our last breath in this moment, I'd know he loves me and I love him - which is all that truely matters. I'm blessed having in in my life - whether it be for a season or a lifetime. Right before I left to go home, we hugged and it lasted... and I had an overwhelming feeling of love surround me. I knew in that moment God is working and sure, I don't know what the outcome will be - whether we'll end up together or not - but the love and embrace we shared is enough and will be enough for now.

I woke up this morning with peace that transcends my understanding. I'm not dwelling, not anxious or worried... and I know God is working. I've realized that I'm not meant to understand the complexities of this situation as of right now - and when I start to question everything and freak out again (because I know the time will come), I'll force myself back to the truth/peace of right now... and focus on the following things God & I are working on (which are more than enough to keep me busy):

• Allowing God to be the Lord of my life
• Being continually filled/controlled by the Holy Spirit
• Supernatural healing
• Forgiveness

I start dancing again tonight! Yayers! Dance is one of the few things in this world that allows me to completely release, leaving my issues @ the door. The moment I walk barefoot on that hardwood floor it's just me and movement..... whewww.

Walls

Let me just start by saying I have about a 100,000,000 +1 things running thru my mind right now so this post might be a little scattered. Just when I think certain aspects of my life are taking form... something happens and I crumble - once again. Today (and yesterday) I've experienced things that have either made me want to throw my hands in the air, scream @ the top of my lungs and kick something... and then fall to my knees and just cry. Am I a freak? Yes, probably, but at least I'm brave enough to put it out there. Writing is a release for me, it helps to organize my thoughts in a logical way and overtime I can see where I've come, how I've grown and what I've learned. What's the point in going thru struggles or difficult times if we don't take the lesson out of it and move forward? Just like Alicia Keys writes, "Fallin down aint fallin down if you don't cry when you hit the floor... yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned".

So yea... I got to work this morning to find an email from one of my thesis committee members. She basically said I have to re-do an entire section of my thesis. However, in order for me to pay $200 as opposed to $1300 (for the semster), is to successfully defend my thesid by 9/8. This is extremely unlikely given all the revisions this committee member wants me to make. This draft has already gone thru 2 other people - mind you, who were fine w/ it. It took every ounce of strength in my body to NOT have a meltdown right @ my desk.

Can I go just a few days with out an effing bomb dropped on me?? If it's not an "H" issue it's something else. It's discouraging, dishearting and frankly any word beginning with "dis" would suffice! How about my life feels like a friggin "dis"aster?!

I'm starting to see just how thick, long and wide my walls really are. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to let people in and be totally real with where I'm at. I can think of about 3 people who truely know everything I'm going thru right now. The rest of the world thinks my life is peachy... or perhaps they know some of my surface level issues (looking for a different/better job, moving, school ish, finances... blah, blah) but they have no idea about the broken, hurt "me" that dwells under my skin. Maybe this is a problem? I'm not sure. All in all, it's not really everyone's business I suppose. It takes a lot for me to allow people in... and those who actually get in... usually stay there and I have a difficult time letting them go... because I put so much of myself into allowing them to be part of me. And when they hurt me... it gets even tougher to let people in. Obviously I need to start with forgiveness... which isn't easy but so freeing once accomplished. Needless to say, I see where I'm at (which is scary) and I dread the long road to healing that lies ahead.

I'm stuck in a place between being in love with someone, while seeking God regarding the plans He has for me, for him and for US...trying to do all I can to work towards healing in the sense of us moving forward (together) ..... to allowing myself to let go of him completely and soley focus on healing so I can move on. I don't think there's a word in the english language that sums up how I feel and how difficult this is. How pathetic I feel @ times. How doubtful I feel that I'll ever heal in any direction.

I had this picture come across my mind that illustrates where I'm at. When autumn comes, leaves begin to fall from trees to the ground. BUT before the each leaf falls completely to the ground a journey takes place. The leaves are wisked away by the wind, flying, flipping and scattering in various directions. All of those leaves on each of those journeys somehow, eventually, all hit the ground and settle. I'm like a little kid chasing all those leaves flying around sporadically... but are they even worth catching? Will the leaf's journey be so frenzied that by the time I've caught it, it's nothing but a wrinkled up, weathered piece of nothing? Am I those leaves?

I've felt lately that God is asking me how much I trust Him. I do trust Him and I know He is truely the only One I need... and my hope is in Him. I just have to be obedient in His ways. Again, I have to daily remind myself of that truth. I'm such a work in progress and I know that I'll keep making "progress" as long as I'm moving. As long as I'm moving He can steer me in the direction where He wants me to be. I know that God is constantly working and I have to be mindful in paying close attention to the works He's doing in my life. I guess my focus this week is on the Lord and His supernatural healing. No matter which direction I go, or where my life turns, healing has to take place regardless. I can't really go anywhere broken.

... Needless to say, here I am. I'm just me... Sarah Michele, trying to find my way. Trying understand and trying to be the best person I can be.

I really just need a hug ... one of those long ones that lasts... and when it's over knowing I'm loved. That would be enough... for now.

Ladies, lessons and love.

Ladies.

I was just thinking this morning, while driving to work, how blessed I am for the people God has placed in my life. Last night at bible study I had to just pause for a moment to think... "Wow, these women are so amazingly beautiful. They're beautiful in their skin, but more so in spirit, in truth and in each of their own, unique ways of reflecting God's love". The sheer knowledge that I love these women and they love me... and someone is praying for me, and me for them, is so encouraging! I see the Lord moving in the lives of so many people I love, which is so exciting... supernatual things are already beginning to blossom and so much more is in the works. I love when something happens that is so God... and there is no question that it is Him who made it happen.

Lessons.

I feel like I've been learning so much recently through all the comings and goings of moving, my friends and their circumstances (loved ones moving away, getting married, finances, etc, etc)bible study, ministry leadership and my own relationship issues. I see that everyone has something, or faces a struggle of some sort and we all need one another for encouragement... how awesome is it that God places us in one anothers lives to do just that?? Finally, I'm learning to face my struggles head on rather than diverting away from them, thanks to the grace of God that covers me everyday... and yes, every day I remind myself to trust God and His direction. I see that in weakness we are made strong... and recognize how weak we truly are and that we need the strength of God to sustain us, to guide us and to uphold us. I've also been learning about how the Lord gives and takes away... to hold what is given to us loosely, but with care and love. We never know how long we'll have something or someone in our lives so, to love and honor what God has blessed us with, is key! I've also been learning more about what it really means to love God in terms of obedience, denying oneself and taking up our cross to follow Him. Oh life and it's lessons. These are small steps but I'm making progress and it feels sooooo dang dandy!

Love.

Vegas was awesome. Totally what I needed to get away and celebrate such a special occasion in Meghan and Ally's life. I was able to take the focus off my woes and for the first time in awhile be honestly carefree and so elated for my friends! Their wedding was beautiful, as was the dinner afterward (filet mignon... medium, yummm). I have truly never seen Meghan happier and I am so excited for their life together and watching their love grow! I gave a speech... without crying (although damn close) and somehow managed to make the whole room laugh which is always a good sign :) One of my favorite moments the whole Vegas trip was seeing Ally's face as Meghan came down the aisle. That sight was unexplainably precious. If there were an image of what love looks like... it was painted across Ally's his face as he watched his bride walk to become one with him. Ah, I love weddings. I love seeing love and those two definitely have it :)

Strangers.

Remember, as a kid, being taught by your parents not to talk to strangers? I think we pretty much carry that lesson with us thru life, don't we? Unless, that is, we are conducting a transaction of some sort, need directions (men excluded, haha), or perhaps to apologize (ie: run into someone), or to thank someone (holding a door open, etc). Generally speaking, in my experience (which could be biased), people don't really talk much in places like elevators, crossing the street, passing by in a building or sidewalk (other than saying hi maybe), waiting in line (unless to gripe)... or really waiting anywhere (at a restaurant, Dr. office, post office... need I go on?). We might make small talk if forced to be next to someone else, say on an airplane, etc. My point is that it's rare that two random strangers talk... and if they do it's minimal. I don't know if maybe we should more... what do you think??

ANYway... the point of this blog is that there are a few odd birds in the world that step across the little line... that little social norm of not talking to strangers. I encountered one of those today. Yes, on my lunch break. I ordered my food. Figured it's a beautiful day, why not sit outside and get some sun?! Perfect. There was about 3 open tables, score! I proceeded to eat my food when a man came out. He was probably in his mid-thirties, water delivery guy, kinda dorky looking, not my type @ all by any stretch of the imagination... plus he was white (go figure, lol). So yea... he comes out and says how beautiful the day is and I replied yes, it is gorgeous (thinking he was just saying hello in passing). THEN, he asks if he could sit down. I didn't know what to say so I said yes. He continues to talk as I scarf my food down. Compliments me on my dress and my hair. The entire time I'm sitting there praying he doesn't ask for my number. After about 15 minutes I told him I had to get back to work and for him to enjoy his day and God bless. Then we both parted ways. God answered my prayer because he didn't ask me out or anything. I'm pretty sure he knew I wasn't interested tho... plus I saw him looking @ the ring I wear on my left finger. The whole interaction was so peculiar.

So... for any of you who actually read my blogs, I'd like to take a poll and get some opinions on the matter. Have we become creatures of anti-social habit when it comes to talking to strangers? Do you think people should talk with one another more? Would you approach someone and decide to have a full on conversation w/ them knowing you'll probably never see them again (other than @ a bar, lol)?? I serve in a ministry where my job is to talk to people who seem alone and make them feel welcome and loved. That's slightly different though... since they obviously came to a church gathering for a reason and to hopefully meet people and to hopefully come back and get connected ;) I'm just curious to see what other people think on this oh so intriguing topic!

In 9 minutes.

... I'll be off to Vegas! Today has actually been a good day for me so far, emotionally (yessss)! I think the fact that it's Friday and I get to head out to Sin City and forget my woes is part of it :) I also read a great devotional this morning that really helped put things back into perspective for me. Sometimes I just need to re-adjust the lens in which I view life. Once again, I've realize that I do trust what God is doing in my life and it's not for me to figure out and try to understand every detail right now. Nish also helped me, with a comment on my last post, to remember "Love is messy but God has the power and is big enough to fix it.. clean it up". Something to that effect. Probably totally butchered what she said but you get the jist.

Today flew by with a quickness... ooop! Time to go... my 9 minutes is up!

Am what I am [Las Vegas prequel].

Let's just be real... I've been an emotional freak this week (haha... it rhymes. at least I can laugh @ myself)!! I have no idea why I've felt so melancholy, so uneasy... it's probably just part of the process. Can this process just speed up a little... or A LOT? I seriously just want to be over this icky feeling. What's really ironic about this whole thing is that what I want and what I am are so different! I want to be over it (the memories and the hope of us being together w/ peace), I want to stop caring, I want to somehow unlove him, I want these thoughts of him being the one to vanish, I want the indestructible bond that connects us to sever... to the point where I can see all those "pieces of him" that float around in my life on a regular basis and not be swayed, not be sad and frankly, not even care... but then I ask myself... do I, really?? Because what I want isn't going in line w/ what I am. What I am is totally in love w/ him (regardless how much time goes by and whether we're talking or not). If he asked me to marry him right in this moment... I would say YES (not that I would marry him tomorrow mind you--I just know I could marry him...)! Now that's scary. That's uplifting when we're not even talking right now! I ask God all the time to show me where to go and what to do and all the time I am directed back to H. Is God himself the one putting all those pieces of "H" in my world?? Is it my heart that refuses to let go or is it simply not supposed to? Could it be that my hope isn't supposed to vanish?? All I know is that I want to find peace within myself... the turmoil is killing me and robbing the little hope I still have.



Anyway.... that was the tangent of all tangents. Again, applaud for pathetic Sarah, it's hideous isn't it?? I was supposed to be writing about Las Vegas [LOL]! So yes, tomorrow after work I'm driving to VEGAS baby! One of my best friends is getting married! WooHoo! I was not only delighted (and honored) that she invited me to the wedding but then she asked me to be in the wedding as well! I am really, really looking forward to this trip for everything it is and will be. Friday: The drive (which I hope will not be a total traffic nightmare) will be good "me and God" time. Then the girls are going out on the town for Meghan's last night as an unmarried woman which I know will be tons of fun. Saturday: we will be chillin (oooh and maybe I can sleep in a bit) and getting ready for the wedding @ 8pm. I'm supposed to be doing Meghan's make-up which is rad! After the wedding we have a huge dinner/celebration (open bar, sweeet) and then out to a club. Sunday: Drive back to SD in time for church @ 7. I'm so looking forward to just getting away, to clearning my mind and to sharing unforgettable moments in Meghan's life w/ her. I am so excited for her and Ally's journey together... and hey, I can live vicariously thru them, right?? :)

Pathetic me.

I’m just going to warn you now… this post isn’t fun, it isn’t cute and it’s going to be nothing more than sad and pathetic. So, if that doesn’t interest you… kindly exit this entry now.

I woke up this morning feelin’ fine and dandy. Traffic was near non-existent which is fabulous. Work has been pretty normal for the most part. However, for some reason I’ve felt a twinge of sadness, a hint of melancholy and dwindling hope. What really, really bugs about this whole situation I’m about to lay out… is that I am SO incredibly blessed! I have a wonderful family, friends I would die for… who lift me up and encourage me, I have a job (not the one I want per se but it’s still a job which is good enough—for now), I serve in an amazing ministry, have an amazing church and church family, etc. Here’s the kicker… I just found out yesterday that my roommate and I got accepted for the place we applied (2 bedroom/2 bath) in the exact neighborhood we’ve been eying (Mission Hills). The location is sweet… a block off of Washington w/ a sushi place on the corner, coffee shop across the street and 2 grocery stores w/in a block and a half. GOD totally provides! What is there not to love about life right?? Here’s where it’s gonna start to get ugly.

It seems as though no matter what joyous occasions come into my life and how excited I am for what’s to come (and believe me, I AM excited), I still feel this bit of melancholy that I can’t shake. It all stems back to this void in my heart for a certain someone (let’s call him H for the sake of his privacy). It’s as if all this rad stuff is happening yet I don’t have him to share it with. He normally would be one of the first people I’d shared the news with… but instead he’s not there. This spot in my heart reserved for him is vacant and he’s missing out on what’s happening in my world.

It seems as though I have so many things on my plate to think about (other than him) yet at the end of the day, it’s still his face I see, his touch I long for and him who I desire to love and be with. At the end of the day no matter how many cool things are happening in my life… I’m alone.

Can I, for one stinkin’ day, not think of him, not miss him and not have this hole burning through my chest?? Somewhere between October and now, something happened, H reached down into the core of my being and touched me… and from then on I was changed. I’ll never be the same. How did he acquire this special, deep part of me?? And the worst part is, he doesn’t even deserve it... he's not ready for me. I want that part of me back. Damn it… I want it back so bad.

I feel as if any moment now, the tears may collide down my face like a raging river. But no… I hold it together and fake a smile instead. H once told me that if “we’re meant to be” that I’d have more love for him than I can handle… well I’m there and not a damn thing has changed on his end.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I sit here all day and dwell on H. I have been spending lots of time w/ friends and I’ve been busier than ever. I’ve really been trying to focus on what I DO have rather than what I don’t. I’m also comforted by the sheer fact that God is in control. Sometimes I have to re-focus my lens a bit and then I feel better. I definitely have good days and bad… and today is on the challenging side. Breathe Sarah… you’re OK… you’re better than OK.

I pray all the time that God would do incredible things in H’s life… and that he would work in his heart in getting him where God wants him to be. I wish that would happen and H come to the realization that I am his “person”, his “one” and when I get to my cousins after work today… there be a giant bouquet of flowers on the doorstep and a card with a heartfelt handwritten message from H. Then… once I’ve read the card and smelled the flowers… my heart would leap for joy as he approaches and says the words I’ve been longing to hear for so long… ”Baby, at last, I have peace. I love you. I’m here and I’m never leaving.” But instead I’ll get home to an empty house... no cards, no flowers and not even a phone call.

I promise my purpose for this post wasn’t for the world to throw me a pity party. And like I told you, this post is utterly pathetic… as am I! These are just some of my genuine feelings. We all need to vent and say what’s truly on our heart. One day I’ll be able to look back on this and be grateful for the place it brought me to. For now it is what it is... and it sucks.

My One.

I wrote this poem (I guess that's what it would be called) a few days ago. It's about trying to heal from a love that's so real. From something that so should have been.... and should be. I don't even know if this makes ANY sense but it does to me... I guess that's all that matters :) All in all, I'm not really that sad today. However, I still feel like I'm trapped in this place and unsure how to get out. It's like love has reeled me in and captured my soul. The hook is in my mouth and he ("the one" I'm taking about here) pulls me up only to throw me back... over and over. So here goes.

The road to healing is long
But it’s time to begin
Take the pictures off the wall
Erase the still frame of your face from my mind
I hear your laugh
And feel your touch
“You” linger all around me
I watched the love of my life slip away
Sad.

Mad.

Scared.

Doubtful.

Anxious.

Sick.
This pretty, happy, bright face…
Dying, crumbling underneath

I love you as is
I took you for who you are.

So afraid of waking up next to someone I don’t know
Who doesn’t know me
Who bought be a gold marquee diamond ring
Not white or platinum, square cut
He doesn’t know I dance
Or how I love the sound of crickets chirping
He buys me cake for my birthday
When my favorite is coconut crème pie
I’ve settled.

If only I could understand why
The only love that captured my heart
Broke down my walls
And changed my heart
Forever.
Is gone… I’m alone.
No one else will do.
You are my one. The only one for me.

Back to you.

This is just a little something I put together to summarize my current ailment. Certain days are more difficult than others. Today is colored in hues of blue melancholy. The following is definitely not surface level Sarah (refer to "An Onion" for explanation).

No matter what changes… my love remains the same
(growing stronger all the time)
It doesn’t matter if we fast
If we aren’t talking
Or if we are talking
Something consistently brings me back to you
It always comes back to you

The Lord comforts me while we’re apart
He fills me in ways I can’t comprehend
Yet this void in my heart, where you’re supposed to be, remains
The space doesn’t belong to anyone but you
You’re the only shoe that fits, the only key that unlocks

This doesn’t make sense
It doesn’t make sense to be without you
To not step it up; giving this thing everything we have
Everything we are
One day you’ll decide to take me on a hot air balloon
And you’ll see we’re more blessed than we ever thought possible

Oh to remove the cage of fear that suffocates us
Or dissolve the titanium bond that connects us
The air collapses in my lungs
Going numb… Don’t want to grow numb.

Eventful Weekend.

I moved my life and belongings this weekend from 3 years in my apartment to a storage unit and a temporary stay at my cousins house. I have to say, although I'm excited to embark on a journey with new beginnings in San Diego (which is where I've needed and wanted to be for quite awhile), I'm still a bit sad and nostalgic about leaving my place in Escondido. There have been so many memories made in that place. Here's to the nights spent studying and Gilmore girls with Meghan, making scrapbooks for my brother, dinner parties (can't forget the annual Thanksgiving dinners @ my casa), sleepovers, late night talks mixed with giggles, tears and hugs, wine nights with the girls, spa parties, playing hide and seek with Leo (my cat), Lauren ending up in my bed halloween 06, practicing dance in my living room, and chillin... with myself and I.

I'll also miss the breakfast spot on Escondido Blvd and the Shell car wash on El Norte Parkway... they do such a great job and sometimes they'd sell my favorite black/white Arizona tea inside the market. I'll miss Stir Fresh too... the mongolian grill place by school. I can still go there tho... I'll have to visit the school a few more times before I'm completely done with the program.

On the flip side, I will not miss my leaky roof, outlets that don't work, making the left turn into the apartment complex, and the drive down to SD... ewww and Del Dios. I wont miss that road.

I suppose nearly all the things @ my old place can be done in the new place... and even more memories will be made and the old ones will never go away (not to mention the area we're moving will be amazing)! I'm blessed for the time spent living on my own. I've learned a great deal about myself... and did an incredible amount of soul searching these last three years. I've learned how to reflect and value the relationships that have developed since I've moved from Nor Cal. I moved here thinking it would be temporary, maybe 3 years max and then I'd be back in the bay area or somewhere else in Nor Cal. Little did I know SD (and the people, connections and church) would capture my heart and I'll never be the same! I'm staying in SD until God leads me elsewhere. I'm soooo glad I trusted God enough to take a giant leap of faith and move to a place I knew next to nothing about with zero friends or family (except for my cousin Jen). It's turned out to be an experience far better than I could have ever hoped for imagined!

PS: Random info... found my mail/pool keys under the mat.... super creepy. Have NO idea how they got there!

Unpredictable.

A courier came into the office just now and we had a little conversation about health (he's diabetic) that struck me. He said, "one day you're healthy and alive and another you're ill and dead". Then he went on to talk about how life is unpredicable and we never know what's coming next. The conversation totally made me look up to my Father in heaven with such gratitude for being the one consistency in life. His word and promises never change and He is, was, and will be. No matter how unpredictable and uncertain my life is right now, I can clutch my Fathers hand with all my might, and say, "I trust you daddy. You lead the way". I find such peace and comfort knowing that I'm not in control and the One who is does everything for the good of those who love Him.

From "no where" on sterroids.

So yeserday I blogged it up about things happening at the most random times and places. This happened to me again this morning but this time even more bizarre. You're gonna flip... just like I did (well... maybe).

First I should give you a little background. My mail/pool key (which I keep on a red lanyard) has been MIA for about 3 weeks. I think my cousins left it @ the pool while they were visiting. I've been searching for it... and even called them to find out where it could be. They swore they left it in my apartment.

Ok... so here's where it gets super wierd. I left my apartment this morning for work and decided to go a different way to the freeway. I stopped at a light (I'm the first car, nearest to the crosswalk) and two women walk across the crosswalk. They both look pretty ghetto... tweakerish. The one in particular was black, bald head and looked pregnant... and had a red lanyard, with my mail/pool keys attached, around her neck!!! I kid you not.... it's my lanyard w/ my keys. The pool key has a distinct look and I swear I saw it.

Well... if you know me, you know I freaked out. Got shortness of breath and thought, oh my God... someone has my mail key and is getting into my mailbox, taking all of my mail and will steal my identity. So I called my apartment complex, explained the situation and had them check my mail. All of my mail was there so it didn't appear that anyone was in my box. Whewwww! That was quite the load off!

Anyway.... my key is still missing, I'm going to look for it again, in my apartment, and hopefully it turns up. Of course I wont find it though if the lanyard around the stangers neck was mine. Bizarre.

God definitely used this situation to speak to me. He showed me that I have an issue with irrational fear... and aren't all fears irrational?? My favorite acronym for fear is "False Expections Appearing Real". The leader of my bible study shared a quote with us that reads, "One constantly finds that 90% of our trials and sorrows are made up of anticipated or imaginary evils which only exist in our disordered, unbelieving minds".

The Lord also showed me that I am waaaaay more blessed than I can begin to think or imagine. No matter what, I am to praise God always. He's protected me and shielded me from wickedness. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand".

I've been listening to the gospel song, "Make me over" and it's been my prayer these last few days. Here are part of the lyrics:

Time after time I failed you
Pierced your side when they already nailed you
Jesus heal my open wounds
I just want to be more like you
Father I let you down
what's not like you just take it out
Reconcile me Jesus, I just want to please you, wash me and make me whole

Lord make me over
Make me over again

Make me over again Lord
cause I'm tired of my evil ways
and I want to make a change
make me over Lord

I can feel the Lord making me over, molding my heart in line with His will and showing me His ways. It's not an easy process but so crucial. Could the Lord possibly be preparing my heart for a supernatural miracle to take place?? All I know is His word says, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32. I thank the Lord for the freedom I've found in His truth... and for loving me... in spite of me.

From "no where".

Isn't it strange when something totally unexpected happens out of the blue?? Kinda like how the smell of jasmine takes me back to my childhood... suddenly these chains of thought and memories appear simply by one scent.

I had two things happen today like that. The first was really odd because it happened in the bathroom at the corporate center where I work. I walked in and I smelled the scent of the love of my life. It was a cologne-ish, deodorant, manly smell (wierd in a womens restroom, yea??) that totally brought memories of him and I whurling around me. It made me miss him more than I already do... sigh. Things like this happen all the time with him... I'll be somewhere and something will be said, sung, written, spoken.. (or smelled for heavens sake) that is so specifically related to him, it's scary. Somehow, someway it always comes back to him.

The second "from no where" experience today was the 5.4 magnitude earthquake up in the Chino Hills area! I was here at work when I felt the ground shake under my feet as if a huge truck were driving by. Then I felt the building roll and shake. It was the strangest sensation... I became slightly dizzy. It was over as quick as it came, lasting 10-15 seconds or so. This is my first experience feeling an earthquake of that magnitude that I can vividly remember.

I guess my experiences today show that surprises can happen in the least likely places and times. I'm ready and willing to do what it takes for supernatural surprises and miracles to happen in my life. It might not be as far off as I once presumed... hey, the blessing could be in my lap already... I just have yet to know it (that's another story, I'll share later).

An Onion.

The best word to describe myself at this current time in my life would be an onion. There are so many layers and depth to who I am... and the person I want to be. At the surface, my name is Sarah Michele. I'm finishing up my Master's in Experimental Psychology from Cal State San Marcos and there I wrote a thesis entitled, "Technology use: Employees stress and coping". It's been my baby for the last two years... we've been through a lot (tears, screams, nerves, hysterical laughter, excitement, along with a sense of accomplishment). Just gotta defend that baby and file it on the shelf of my life marked, "Graduate school, fun while it lasted, now, if only I can get a decent job after all the work poured into this effort".

Another layer in my onion is work. I work for an escrow company. It's temp. Looking for something more in line with my field. Down beneath those layers is my dream to one day own and operate a consulting firm with the mission of empowering employees and organizations alike. I wont get into detail on that... I guarantee I'll go on and on so I'll stop now :)

More about the surface level Sarah Michele... I often find myself answering, "good", or "fine" when asked by a stranger how I'm doing. That's the picture of what surface level Sarah looks like. She's fine and good... good at hiding what aches underneath the surface. There's so much more to me...

Just to give you a glimpse of what's to come (and essentially what this blog is all about) I'm on a quest of seeking the Lord and being in the center of His will in all aspects of my life (work, living arrangement, location, relationships, ministry, etc). I'm so many different people all @ once and together it equals "Me"... but we all are in a sense. I'm Sarah Michele...

• a woman who loves Jesus and is desperate for Him!
• a sister, daughter, granddaughter (called sis by my brothers and dad)
• a friend... dear to some, far from others but all special to me
• an auntie
• a dancer
• a Remnant ministry leader @ the Rock
• who wants to do what's right in God's eyes (not my own)
• a product of a tough upbringing but blessed because it's part of what makes me who I am!
• someone who wants to leave a positive mark on the world and strives to make a difference
• who's healing from a broken heart

.... And ohhh so much more. That's just a glimpse. I'm looking forward to this... new beginnings are here and it's time...

Testing: one... two...

Blog it!!